Green Party and Health and Safety veto Queen's pedalo plans
Hot off the press, commenting today on the reported pedalo gift for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations, Mr Nigel Workshy, speaking for the Green Party said: ' I'm all in favour of the zero emissions the pedalo will cause, but bear in mind al...
Read full storyBalotelli - "Stamping On Scott Parker's Head Was An Accident."
Last gasp penalty hero Mario Balotelli, secured a 3-2 victory for Manchester City over Tottingham Hotspurts yesterday. Despite arousing the wrath of Spuds boss, Harry Redknapp, who insisted that Balotelli should have been red carded for stamping on...
Read full storyFurious Burnley War Hero Demands The Return Of Hitler's Long Lost Testicle
Legendary Burnley war hero, Jimmy Bacon, of Accrington Road in the town, today demanded the return of Hitler's long lost testicle, claiming that he was the rightful owner, and that the council had no right slipping a local junkie a tenner, for the po...
Read full storyHitler's Missing Testicle Found In Burnley Skip
The late and not much lamented German Reichs Chancellor's legendary missing testicle has reportedly been found in a Burnley skip. Local skip-dipper, Justin Eclair, 29, a registered heroin addict, had been rummaging through a skip outside an under...
Read full storyNewt Gingrich Reveals Special Origin of Unusual Name
Newt Gingrich has tonight revealed the origins of his unusual name. This revelation is set to amuse many, and may shine a light on the dark years of Newt's life when he went missing in the rural countryside of Great Britain. During the late 197...
Read full storyRoyal yacht plans scrapped in favour of Diamond Jubilee pedalo
After the right royal stink created by reported plans of a new yacht as a gift to the Queen to commemorate her 60 years on the throne, it has been reported today that those plans have now been scrapped in favour of a much cheaper, tax payer friendly...
Read full storyCatholic Church To Secede From Union: Calls Obama "Devil's Own Handmate"
BILLINGSGATE POST - Catholic Church leaders vow to secede from Union rather than obey new decree from Devil's Handmate, President Barack Obama. Yesterday, the President's health chief, Kathleen Sebelius, decreed that the Catholic Church must provide...
Read full storyBalotelli plans to nutmeg Obama
Mario Balotelli revealed today that he plans to run as an independent for the office of the President of the United States of America in 2012. Balotelli is famed for typically bizarre behaviour, but our sources indicate that even Paul Gascoigne was s...
Read full storyCameron admits defeat
Today, the prime minister shocked parliament by dissolving the British government. In a disturbing statement, David Cameron announced that following much consideration, he and his cabinet can no longer be bothered to run Britain. The leader of the...
Read full storyHitler's Brain Found In Moscow Laboratory
Hitherto thought lost, it transpires that Hitler's brain has been found in a jar in a former government laboratory in Moscow. The unexpected find was unearthed by - ironically - a German Professor, named Doctor Helmut Haller, who was clearing out som...
Read full storySecond 'Staying Alive' fatality in as many days
Following on from a previous story, a second fatality has arisen as a result of the Vinnie Jones 'Stayin Alive' resuscitation advert. For those who haven't seen the advert, viewers are advised to compress the chest of the unconscious victim and de...
Read full storyCameron Says New EU 'Right of Way' Rule Would Lead To Carnage!
The Prime Minister said today he is determined to have Britain opt out from a new EU Health and Safety law passed in Brussels last week. As it reads, the new law would mean that as from the first day of April this year any person on his or her way ou...
Read full storyKeira Knightley, Emma Watson And Vinnie Jones In Bad Romance Love Triangle
Budding scriptwriter, Chester Swanage St-Ives, today revealed that he is preparing to embark upon a Hollywood trip, in order to promote his latest screenplay, 'The Manderley Romantic Menage a Trois Of Doomed Starcrossed Victorian Lovers High On Crack. (With Horses.)' Starring Keira Knightley, Emma Watson, and Vinnie Jones, with cameos from Katie Price, Natasha Giggs, Bono out of U2, David Bowie...
Read full storyDerek Acorah inspires 3 legged horse to win group 1 race
Too Good To Be Glue is enjoying a new lease of life after being nursed back to fitness by the awe inspiring Derek Acorah. The ex Martin Pipe horse was involved in freak accident last August where he fell out the back of a horses box trailer and was...
Read full storyScotland join Africa Cup of Nations
British team Scotland were last minute entries to the African Cup of Nations today, as they pursued their bid to get independence from the United Kingdom. Scotland First Minister Alex Salmond started the ball rolling two weeks ago when he pushed P...
Read full storyWhat the blazes 'couple tried blowing up car with flaming tampons'??
Pennsylvania - "At this stage we don't yet know what they used as a dipstick to check the vehicle's oil levels," a Harrisonville patrolman said today, "maybe it's best left to the imagination." His comments come as a Metal Township couple was char...
Read full storySexipedia's Sexual Analysis of South Carolina GOP Race
Sexipedia, the Internet Sexual Proclivity site, has provided a unique analysis of yesterday's South Carolina GOP Presidential race. Through its exit poll analysis, Sexipedia researchers claim that they have dissected South Carolinians' presidential preferences (1= most preferred; 4= least preferred) based upon their rather diverse sexual proclivities. Those who enjoy carnal relations with firs...
Read full storyBillericay sex starved women go in search for their lost G-spot!
Billericay, EsSEX: Local, sex-starved women from the bimbo capital of England are desperately searching for their lost G-spot, which doesn't actually seem to exist according to sex-experts at Kings College, London. Hundreds of horny, desperate hou...
Read full storyAspartame Boy hospitalized - no one cares
Phoenix, AZ - After a skirmish outside U.N. headquarters, Aspartame Boy, our reporter on the science beat, was grossly injured after being brushed off by a Ms. Knotshohot, who claims she was being followed and bothered by Aspartame Boy. Police wer...
Read full storyShark injured in attack by surfer
A 4-year-old shark has suffered serious injuries to its back and tail fin in Australia's tenth surfer attack this month. Australia normally has about 15 surfer attacks per year - some of them fatal. But there already have been 10 attacks this...
Read full story38DD Busty Singaporean Banker Leaked Laptop Racy Photos Cause Stir in Asia Pacific
A popular blog recently posted topless photos of a busty woman allegedly working in Singapore at a US related bank. This Singaporean woman has been exposed herself and her "secret double life" on the internet with different sexy lingerie and biki...
Read full storyIan Somerhalder Has Been Asked To Appear On The Next Edition of 'Dancing With The Stars'
HOLLYWOOD - Tom Bergeron the host of the hit show Dancing With The Stars has verified the rumor that one of the stars of the The Vampire Diaries, Ian Somerhalder has been asked to appear as one of the celebrity dancers for the upcoming season. Ber...
Read full storyA True Diary of Woe - Part Forty - Bad Romances
A diary of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947 Chapter 79 - Grappling with Giselda Ah... how I remember Grizelda Baumgarter (last name changed for obvious reasons). She was 5'11" tall, around 14 stone, lovely long hair, gorgeous wide hips, tree trunk legs... chunky and pear shaped if you like. And I liked! Now you might...
Read full storyMy Senior Moments this week - W/E 22 January 2012
Weekly Senior Moments: Temporary mental lapses(humorously attributed to the gradual loss of one's mental faculties as one grows older, and medical conditions causing embarrassments). of a Nottingham Man (using the term man loosely), who's impecuniousness, is critical, his education minimal, his Social Skills none-existent, his age old, his health dubious, his looks horrendous, is bald, short, pot-...
Read full storyPolitical Facebook - Mitt Romney and Ron Paul
Political Facebook Mitt Romney: Hi Ron, well it's been quite a week huh? With Jon Huntsman and Rick Perry dropping out that now leaves only four of us in the GOP presidential race. 2:11 p.m. Ron Paul: Yes it does Mitt old boy. But I really have a feeling that old slick Rick Santorum will be dropping out pretty soon. 2:16 p.m. Mitt Romney: What makes you say that? 2:21 p.m. Ron Paul:...
Read full storyVampire Diaries off the air until February due to Ian Somerhalder's disappearance, Nina Dobrev announces
ATLANTA - As the manhunt for actor Ian Somerhalder continues up in the North Georgia mountains, Vampire Diaries producers take the show off the air until February 2012. Reporters and paparazzi cornered damsel in distress extraordinaire, Nina Dobrev,...
Read full storyA Mixed Marriage - Gillian's Warning!
The 11 month old marriage between 21 year old Gillian Aprettyboy and a Cockatiel parrot is over. The cockatiel flew the nest last Sunday. "I have no idea where my so-called husband is now." Gillian says, "But Good riddance. It was the biggest mist...
Read full story