Smokers ring out the warning
Streets outside offices will soon become much more noisy if the anti-smoking lobby get their latest suggestion passed into law. "What we want to do," said Ashley Holden, "is to have smokers warn healthy people who happen to be walking near by. Our...
Read full storyToddler Terrorism Trauma
Children were reunited with their parents today after a dramatic siege at the "Little Monkeys" play area in central Kettering. The drama began at closing time when several toddlers took action to stop, what they viewed, as a premature closing, and se...
Read full storyHelping Men to Survive St Valentine's Day
On the only day in the year when men are able to please the woman in their life is of course St Valentine's Day - if they expect to get any...uh, make the fairer sex happy, then feel free to follow this short guide which we have prepared for you in time for next year so that you can be more au fait with the art of seduction. There are just six fundamental points to remember: Step One: Rememb...
Read full storyGary and the Gobshites to reform after 25 years
The music world was in turmoil today when news broke that punk rock recluse Gary Gritter was intending to reform his first band complete with the original line-up. Gary and the Gobshites split up in 1987 following a long-running personality clash be...
Read full storyNASA dubs GJ 1214b Super Earth 'Planet Cannabis'
Groom Lake, Nevada - A water-world with a 'thick and steamy' atmosphere was nicknamed Planet Cannabis at NASA HQ today. Reports have described it as a gigantic organic hydroponic ecosystem orbiting a red dwarf in the Ophiuchus constellation of The...
Read full storyJennifer Lopez, 42, Talks About The Joy of Her 24-Year-Old 'Boy-Toy'
ST. BARTS, West Indies - Jennifer Lopez recently stated that she truly enjoys being one of the judges on the hit show American Idol. She noted that it gives her a tremendous sense of satisfaction and joy to be able to help young wannabe singers.
Read full storyJew Whisperer Bibi Netanyahu To Fight Barack Hussein Obama In Heavy Weight Rematch
BILLINGSGATE POST - It is no secret that President Obama and Bibi Netanyahu are mortal enemies. Just observing them sneer at each other during contrived press conference photo-ops is enough to make lip-readers delirious. It was said that during the...
Read full storyUK 7 year-old boy accused of being a racist because he asked his mate why his skin is a different colour!
A UK 7 year-old from Hull, playing with his mate, who just happened to have a slightly darker skin, has been accused of being a racist because he innocently asked the boy if he came from Africa! A teacher overheard the boy asking the question and...
Read full storyYoung People Lead Fight against the Drought
As the parched land threatens to engulf Britain into a drought to beat all drought, the Government has received help from the Young People of Britain. Their leader Joe Smelly (16) has pledged not to wash until the crisis is over. Young people in d...
Read full storyLansley's Publicity Stunt Backfires
Andrew Lansley, Unhealthy Minister, made a hash of his most recent publicity. Seeing a demonstration outside the Ministry of Health he decided to have a friendly chat with an old lady who 'wouldn't hurt a fly'. 'How are you , my dear?' he asked.
Read full storyDon't Fret Armageddon
Consider this article a bit of an "I Have Nothing to Write Today" part deux. I say that because I did my morning routine again, listening to the news, poking around Internet news sites to grab the top stories and looking for something I could make light of. Spoofing I think, is truly an art. The talented writers who usually appear in the top 10 of TheSpoof(dot)Com's authors are considered, at...
Read full story'Brave' Kate togged out in hideous crimplene
London - Global style icon and royal gravy train sponger Kate Middleton wowed Oxford crowds today with a hideous brown shirtwaister last seen on Coronation Street's Hilda Ogden. "All that was missing were some curlers and the ubiquitous headscarf,...
Read full storyShame of Boxers - Noble sport in trouble
The boxing world was in uproar today after the unauthorised fight between David Haye and Dereck Chisora in Germany during a press conference. Boxing a noble and historic sport involves two men punching each other in the face repeatedly until one o...
Read full storyNobody expected the Pennsylvania Inquisition
Cardinal Risk Sanatorium of Pennsylvania, leading contender for the POP Primary race, accuses President O'Bama of Apostasy, and is planning an auto-da-fé this coming November to force him to be shunned by the members of religious groups, and then sub...
Read full storyWoman's Pancake Day shock horror as Turin Shroud face appears in blini
London - Barking resident Mrs Hilda Ricketts has spoken of her dismay after a Pancake Day mix-up with her husband's ashes saw a Turin Shroud-like apparition pop up in her blini. Apparently she mistook a jar of the late Jock Ricketts' cremated rema...
Read full storyUniversity Challenge: Manchester And Clare Duke Out A Classic
As Lord Liverpool may well have ejaculated on hearing Wellington's despatch reporting the victory at Waterloo: "Bloody hell! What a stonker!" This was quarter-final last chance saloon for these sides, both of whom had already lost one match, and they served up a spectacular, high-scoring tight finish. The outfit from Cambridge, featuring the deeply intense Daniel Janes, got off to a slow sta...
Read full storyBrad Pitt Warns Angelina Jolie To Cool It With Billy Bob Thornton Or Else It's Goodbye, Adios, Arrivederci, and See Ya!
BERLIN, Germany - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie recently attended The Berlin International Film Festival. Jolie was being honored for her directorial debut for the film In The Land of Blood and Honey. According to Hollywood Innuendo's Fajita San...
Read full storyAmericans Quickly Losing Faith in Politicians: Emilio Estevez Accidentally Surges in Polls
WASHINGTON D.C.-- In a recent Rasmussen poll, 4% of registered American voters can name any one of the ballot candidates running for President, including current President Barack Obama. This indicates that America has lost hope in the traditional two...
Read full storyIran Announces Further Curtailment of Crude Oil Shipments
(Tehran) This morning, Iranian Oil Minister Ali Oxen Free announced additional bold policy changes in response to sanctions against his country by Western nations. Following on the footsteps of Iran terminating all contracts to export crude oil to Br...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Desperately Reaching Out To Ex-Boyfriend Derek Hough
NEW YORK CITY - Cheryl Cole visited the Big Apple to see about a shoe modeling opportunity that she had been offered. The English singer has been keeping a bit of a low profile since she left America after getting dumped from Simon Cowell's X-Fact...
Read full storyDating Hell
It's not often when our editor comes out of his office, but he came out a few weeks ago and shouted, "James, I have a story for you!" He proceeded to tell me his brilliant idea for a Valentine's Day story, and he wanted me to chronicle my dating life for our readers. I reluctantly agreed only because I had become so tired of being angry and cynical due to the fact that my ex left me for his...
Read full storyA True Diary of Woe - Part Forty-Four - The Inspector Calls!
A diary of one man's (Using the term lossely) utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947 Chapter 87 - The Inspector Calls Well.. he was expected to! The manager of the Tesco I was working at in Nottingham on what was then called Granby Street, but later became Maid Marion Way, informed me that the new Area Inspector (of Tesco stores) Mr P...
Read full storyCelebrity Seniors Seek Seniority in Organ Transplantation
Should Hugh Hefner get a dead person's working kidney to replace his own faulty one just because he's a national treasure? Yes, according to a group of senior celebrities led by Betty White. "We even think non-celebrities who are elderly should...
Read full storyDisney Organization to Purchase San Francisco
San Francisco CA: The Walt Disney Company announced today that the organization will purchase the City by the Bay from the State of California. A specific cost has not been mentioned, but analysis indicates that an offer of roughly California's curre...
Read full storyElderly Man Gets Pulled Into Bank's ATM Along With His Plastic Card!
A 93 year old East London man was taken to hospital yesterday afternoon after he was pulled into a bank's ATM machine along with his bankers card when trying to use it to withdraw money from a hole-in-the-wall cash dispenser machine outside a bank in...
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