Jon Venables Birthday Bash!!!!
Prison Officers shocked Jon Venables yesterday when they paraded into his prison cell early morning on the day of his birthday. After chucking a few birthday cards and presents in his hands, they demanded he have a quick scrub as he had a fun day pla...
Read full storyLiverpool apologise to Chelsea for Torres
Liverpool have described Fernando Torres' refusal to score for Chelsea as "unacceptable". Torres has since apologised for being unable to hit a cow's arse with a banjo, and admits he has let the club down. Liverpool's managing director, says th...
Read full storyHeartbroken? There's an app for that
Nobody knows heartbreak like Mac Buck, editor of App World! At least, as far as he is concerned, nobody has. "My heart has been broken so often," said Buck, "that it has come to resemble a second hand jigsaw puzzle: a million pieces - not all from...
Read full storySmall Town Mississippi Resident Wins Astounding Award
CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - Last Monday Mississippi resident Hank White was the guest of honor at the annual awards ceremony of the International Association of Supremacy. Not only did White win the distinguished award for the most racist commment, wh...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera Explodes When Questioned About Her 'Baby Bump'
LOS ANGELES - Christina Aguilera had just left a taping of the music reality show The Voice when she was met outside by a member of the Hollywood Press Corps. Hacienda Dakota with Hollywood Vis-á-Vis managed to have a few words with the pleasantly...
Read full storyDebt Collectors Forced to Make Calls on Themselves
When you talk about the economy being bad, you usually think this is great news for debt collectors. More people defaulting on their loans means more phone calls, and more phone calls means more bonus money in the pocket. Unfortunately, not all de...
Read full story1% Angered By 99%'s Holdings Over Other 99%
NYC, NY - In New York City, the rich and successful initiated Protests in Hells Kitchen on Friday in hopes of illuminating the injustice done to them by the 99%. Their main reason for the protest lies in the numbers of their opponents name. The...
Read full storyCreationist archaeologists discover proof of God
In the Nevada desert, a group of archaeologists have made an astonishing discovery which appears to provide evidence for creationism. In a large dig site, the bones of ten dinosaurs have been discovered wearing crucifixes. Chief digger and creatio...
Read full storyThe Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt IX; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery
Falling, I fell forever into fathomless blackness. Tumbling, I was helpless. Into what, I could not know, only that plunge I must, and for eternity. Was this Hell itself, was it Pandaemonium through which I plummetted? And yet, there were glimpses, terrible, desperate fleeting visions, of a world so dear. Of a world forever closed to me. Our bedroom, at home, the smell of lavender. The lovely f...
Read full storyYorkshireman's Rage Over Cockney Telephone Subterfuge Burnt Gravy Calamity
Yorkshireman, Ken Mither, of Cleckhuddersfax was left livid Sunday afternoon, following an unfortunate oversight on the part of bolshy wife, Jessie, which resulted in his Sunday roast duck gravy being cremated beyond all recognition, as a result of a...
Read full storyOur Man Awarded Medal of Honor for Virtual Heroism
SAN DEIGO, CA -This Friday, a local resident will be awarded the countries highest honor for his valiant show of heroism and courage in Bakaara last Monday. Seventeen year old Connor Radington repeatedly avenged and rescued several of his teamm...
Read full storyRare Outbreak of Raccoon Alcoholism in Rural Missouri
PUXICO, MO- Last weekend a Puxico resident noticed peculiar behavior among some of the furry critters that live on his farm. The raccoons were displaying signs of increased aggression, momentary fatigue, and a lack of hygiene. The local wildlife serv...
Read full storyNew 'Godfather' movie to centre on Berlusconi
Fans of the Godfather series can expect the latest installment of the legendary saga to hit the big screen as early as spring 2013, reports have confirmed. 'The Godfather IV' will take place several years after the last installment of the series a...
Read full storyWhitney was troubled by her 'Shut it now, honey!' anagram
Beverley Hills - Staff at the Bel Air Hilton spoke today of having to tread on eggshells around the Grammy diva whose lifeless body was found in the hotel's Presidential Suite bath yesterday. "We were warned she was kinda superstitious," penthouse...
Read full storyNow Dalglish Issues An Apology Over Handshake Row - Uses Arsene Wenger Defence - Red Faces All Round At Anfield
Following hot on the heels of a grovelling Luis Suarez apology, which some observers have reported as not being totally kosher, Kenny Dalglish has now issued a statement, apologising for remarks he made in a post match interview at Old Trafford, citi...
Read full storyWhitney - Local Man Gets So Emotional
Following the terrible news that soul diva, Whitney Houston was found dead in the bathroom of a Hollywood hotel yesterday, at the age of 48 - local man, Martin Shuttlecock, laid bare his thoughts on the demise of an iconic figure in the world of music. "I didn't even know her," a stunned Shuttlecock told reporters. "Never met the woman, but the wife was a bit upset about it. She said she shed a...
Read full storyLosing Control? There's an app for that
Anger issues have plagued many people over the years, but now there is a solution. The iControl app from My Way Apps can be downloaded to defuse those annoying situations. "Many is the time that I've been stood in a queue at the Cheese Wheeze, or...
Read full storyDoctor's Prescription Required To Obtain Painkillers From Next Month!
With a EU ban on the selling of all over the counter pain relief medications looking all but certain to be passed in Brussels later this month the government say Britain would have no choice but to follow the ruling. If passed it will mean that as fr...
Read full storyWant to wear stilettos? There's an app for that
Learning to walk in stiletto heels is difficult, as App World! editor Mac Buck found out before his divorce when his then wife insisted he spend a day in her shoes. "Fraze's heels were a bit tight," admitted Buck. "But that was nothing compared to...
Read full storyGrovelling Suarez Apology Dismissed As Damage Limitation By Liverpool FC
Liverpool striker Luis Suarez today issued a grovelling apology on the club's official website, for refusing to shake Patrice Evra's hand before the game at old Trafford, against Manchester United, which Liverpool lost 2-1 Suarez stated that he ha...
Read full storyFighting the flab? There's an app for that
Flab Fighters have finally released their app for helping the overweight become slimmer than a snowball's chance in Hell in the shortest time possible. "Looking at me," said App World! editor, Mac Buck, "you wouldn't guess that I'm overweight. How...
Read full storyWeird St Valentine's karma as Kate Middleton micromanaged into Liverpool rehab trip
Liverpool - A trip to a Scouser dry bar in Liverpool city center has been fixed up by some moronic puppet master pulling the Palace's Valentine's Day strings. Tuesday's visit by Kate Middleton is flummoxing Merseyside teetotallers who reckon she s...
Read full story"Handy-man" Suarez refuses to wipe his bum clean!
Luiz Suarez, "top-sportsman" and not very good "handy-man", who just happens to apply his trade for a club that really should know better employing such ignorant apes (sorry that's an insult to an ape), decided not to wipe his bum clean. In front...
Read full story'Halal' Shish Kebab
A glorified bunny, in Stockholm, knows how to herd the sheep. Additionally, a sheepdog breeder says the sheep seem to pay the rabbit minder a lot of respect. As a human-interest story, there are 700,000 You-Tube hits, but there is a chilling truth behind this story: why the sheep allow a little rabbit to move them around? Can we compare the other flock, people, with the literal sheep here?...
Read full storyHistorical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham - Around the City Centre Eateries
Our local historian, guide, agniologist and impecunious pensioner invites you to take a walk with him (more like a hobble in his case) around Nottingham City Centre, comparing the choices and prices now, compared to what he paid and had as a teenager, Café-wise. The comparisons depict the changing face of life for Nottingham residents, legal and otherwise. 1960: Maid Marion Way Establishmen...
Read full storyNottingham Magistrates' Sessions to be shown live at the Majestic cinema!
Nottingham City Labour Councillor Mr B Ackander (56), has been praised for his efforts in getting the Nottingham Magistrates' and Criminal Court sessions to be shown live at a City Centre Cinema, now renamed the Majestic. Cllr B Ackander explained: "With the Coalition Government's cutbacks, it was essential we found a way to help ease the financial burden caused by their vicious cutbacks. And a...
Read full storyA True Diary of Woe - Part Forty-Two
A diary of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947 Chapter 84 - The Inter-Department Quiz I was working as fresh fruit/wet fish dep't manager, at the Nottingham Cooperative Society's Department store, the food hall in the basement. It was not a happy tome for me at all. The place and staff were very cliquey. So it surprise...
Read full storyWayne Rooney Injured in Doctors surgery incident!
Wayne Rooney, the Manchester United and England footballer, has picked up an injury at his Doctors Private Surgery, and will miss the next two matches for his team. Dr E. Coli's nurse, Gaye Hooker explained to our reporter what took place in the D...
Read full storyMy beloved Griselda - Part Four - The meal
My association with Griselda, was without doubt, the most romantically and passion filled period of my sad life, and I still miss the chemistry of our entwined bodies in complete and utter ecstasy and pleasurable pain. My delight in her ability to lift me up, turn me over, and carry me around the room while tasting my foibles will remain with me forever. The Meal I went into the room to ask...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston Reportedly Shouts Out - "I Wanna Have Brad Pitt's Baby!"
SANTA MONICA - Jennifer Aniston and an old friend from high school drove out to The Santa Monica Pier to spend a nice leisurely afternoon. Jennifer was thrilled to have Hessie "Tambourine" Tammalino, who like her had attended the High School of Th...
Read full storyObama Blows This One: Churches Won't Have To Pay For "Air Start" Contraception Coverage
BILLINGSGATE POST - In another startling reversal of Obamacare dogma, President Obama advised American bishops that church affiliated hospitals and charities would not have to pay for a contraception method involving the use of air starts. As mentio...
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