Rare Outbreak of Raccoon Alcoholism in Rural Missouri

Funny story written by Mitchell Kramer

Sunday, 12 February 2012

PUXICO, MO- Last weekend a Puxico resident noticed peculiar behavior among some of the furry critters that live on his farm. The raccoons were displaying signs of increased aggression, momentary fatigue, and a lack of hygiene. The local wildlife service initiated an investigation on Tuesday to uncover the cause behind the odd activity.

Upon revealing the source of the raccoon's distress, local authorities were called in to apprehend the farm owners. Apparently the Rogers family had been manufacturing "moonshine" in their back shed on a fairly large scale. Their illegal alcohol production included 3 homemade stills that produce several gallons of corn mash liquor daily.

The nearby family of raccoons found the still's warmth a suitable habitat. When the animals started drinking the illegally produced alcohol, they began to like it. Pete Rogers, 53, the owner of the farm and still tells us what he heard, "Like I said, I thought there was some critters livin' in my still. I heard em thumpin' on the sides of it like a washbucket drum. It sounded like those vermin was havin a party in there or something." Rogers has since then been arrested and is currently serving a 3 year jail sentence. The local wildlife service veterinarians diagnosed the family of raccoons with alcoholism.

This is the first recorded case of alcoholism in the animal kingdom. Dr. Sayaja Guptar, 48 founder of the Global Veterinarian Society (GVS) extrapolates, "Although this was an isolated incident I would not be surprised to find in the near future that many domesticated and quasi-domesticated species will give in to their demons and resort to alcoholism." Many veterinarians in the GVS have proposed granting money towards research on treatment possibilities towards animal alcoholism.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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