Archaeologists Discover Ancient Romans had Bowel Movements
Researchers have long questioned whether our ancestors had bowel movements. Did they have to waddle out into the woods in the middle of the night after eating a hearty meal? There was, after all, no proof provided anywhere in their writings. None...
Read full storySepp Blatter announces special events to be added to 2012 olympics
Having come to an arrangement with the International Olympic Committee over a suitable allocation of free tickets and heavily-subsidised (if not completely free) hotels as part of his new term of dictatorship over FIFA, Sad Bladder has announced some...
Read full storyScarlet Spoofer spotted in Paris, France causes concern
A peeping tom has been spotted on the streets of Paris dressed in a Manchester City Home Kit. A similarly dressed peeper is being sought in Birmingham, England. The Birminham peeper has been nicknamed the Scarlet Spoofer because he leaves print-out...
Read full storyCrazed Hollywood Actor Runs Over His Ex-Wife: In Her Own Home
In a tragic accident, former Three Buggers Eating Hamburgers actor, Jerry Blow, ran over his ex-wife and killed her. Apparently, Mr. Blow was taking a short cut to a Warlocks Anonymous meeting through the house of his ex-wife when the tragedy occurr...
Read full storyCongressman Resigns Over Skidmark Photos
WASHINGTON, DC --- Rep. Horace Hemaroid (R., NM) admitted that tweeted links to photographs of skidmarks were indeed his. "I had enough of people telling me I was, full of crap, didn't know my ass from my elbow, a poop head, butt breath, and I apolog...
Read full storyLeBron James Creates Time Machine to Bring Back NBA Greats in Their Prime to Help Him Win a Title. NBA Greats Promptly Kick him off the Team
In a packed and raucous American Airlines Arena in Miami, Florida, LeBron James unveiled his new time machine invention. Sitting on a golden throne and dressed in royal purple, LeBron James fitted a gold crown that was studded with rubies and diamon...
Read full storyIce hockey Hooligans in Vancouver go on riot as one said to the other "PUK you Canadian pussies"!
Vancouver, Canada: In an unusual outbreak of hooligan violence downtown Vancouver was turned into a war-zone as rivalling icehockey fans imitating infamous British soccer hooligans, smashed up everything in sight including themselves. The reason f...
Read full storyWorst Feared for Anorexic Teen Following Toilet Flush Tragedy
Glastonbury man, Robin Tripp was today woefully counting the cost of a night on the town, following which, he inadvertently flushed his thirteen year old anorexic daughter down the toilet. A senior police officer described the circumstances as a t...
Read full storyBeer that loses fizz when opened to sponsor Cup that's lost its sparkle
A US beer company whose product is renowned worldwide for quickly losing its fizz once opened has been announced as the new sponsor of the FA Cup, a competition that lost its own sparkle many years ago. The three-year £multi-million deal between B...
Read full story'Some blond contestants have rubbish hair' as Miss USA 2011 shots released
Las Vegas - An abandoned rats' nest teetering on foreclosure is how critics of pageant coiffure have summed up some contestants' hairdos ahead of this year's Fathers Day extravaganza. "That backcombed peroxide big hair look is still incredibly pop...
Read full storyAn Embarrassing Lunch
"Mom, can you pack me lunch today? And please…don't make it embarrassing." Anna-11 As parents, there are many ways we can ruin our children's lives. The possibilities are endless. An embarrassing lunch, however, seems to have been overlooked and hasn't been given enough attention. A poorly packed lunch can destroy a child's life and ruin their reputation. Brown bag or lunch box? Water bottle...
Read full storyScarlett Johansson Dumped Sean Penn, Took Him Back, and Has Now Dumped Him Again Due to His Wayward "Tongue Paloozing"
NEW YORK CITY - Scarlett Johansson was in the Big Apple visiting her old high school volleyball coach Brothina "Balls" Lemoncello. Scarlett, 26, said that she learned a lot from Mrs. Lemoncello like what to tell guys when she wanted for them to le...
Read full storyDisney Embarrassed over International High Five Incident
Scampering to correct an unintended insult to visiting world leaders, executives are busy trying to explain to some G8 countries why it was impossible for Mickey Mouse to give their respective Presidents a "High Five", when asked to do so. Also...
Read full storyRunaway Bride Crystal Harris To Appear On Dr Phil Dressed Up As Daffy Duck
Runaway bride, Crystal Harris, who almost got hitched to Hugh Hefner - 60 years her senior - is to appear on the Dr Phil show dressed up as Daffy Duck in a heartfelt bid to put a stop to certain circulating salacious rumours, and to prove that she is...
Read full storyVancouver Recruits Detroiters to Lead Riots After Stanley Cup Loss
Banking on Detroit's decades old reputation for top quality and well organized sports event rioting, Vancouver Canucks fans angered over their loss in the Stanley Cup Finals, recruited some hard core Motor City fans to help organize those efforts.
Read full storyMail Online Readers' Comments Out Of Action
Terrible news in the UK this morning as Mail Online announced that reader comments are temporarily disabled due a technical problem. Most people only ever log on to Mail Online to read the readers' comments, which usually amount to nonsensical ran...
Read full storyReading Celebrity Tittle Tattle Makes People Really Stupid
A leading psychologist at the University Of Contemporary Life Studies in Oldham, Professor Bernard "Yozzer" Hill, has announced that reading saturated celebrity tittle tattle on a daily basis can convert reasonably intelligent people into slavering m...
Read full storyKatie Price Goes Ballistic Over Sun Ronseal Jibe
Celebrity something or other, Katie Price went absolutely ballistic this morning when she opened the newspapers, after seeing her fake tan compared with a Ronseal finish in the Sun newspaper. Which also had published her photo, made changeable into d...
Read full storyBoston Man's Right Hand Says: "Screw you Pal" and leaves for a Larger Sausage
A South Boston man's right hand had simply had it with trying to choke a chicken that, not only had not neck, but lacked a head worth squeezing. "I can't believe it!" Exclaimed a shocked Jerry Little from South Boston. "This was my best friend! As a matter of fact, he was my only friend!" "How could leave me this way? I mean all the good times we had together. I feel so empty now".
Read full storyWoman Feels that her Vibrator no Longer Has any Vibration for Her
These are sad days for Ellen Bridgeport. She feels that her once beloved vibrator, who she affectionately named Bruno, no longer has the same sexual energy that he once did at the height of their relationship. "It's just so frustrating", exclaimed an exasperated Bridgeport. "Things are just not the same between me and Bruno. I mean, this has been going on for a while now! "I can remember...
Read full storyManchester City sign Favela
After failing to sign Cristiano Ronaldo for a reported $150 million, Manchester City has turned their attention to Brazil and has signed an entire Sao Paulo favela. City spokesmen, Dirk Ferrara said: "We're absolutely delighted with this acquisiti...
Read full storyCongressman Anthony Weiner's Internet Gal Pal Ginger Lee, An Ex-Porn Star, Finally Speaks Out About His Weiner
MANHATTAN - Calling herself a 'featured dancer' the latest Internet sensation Ginger Lee has decided to come out of hiding and tell her side of the story known by such diverse names as Weinergate, Petergate, Peckergate, wwwdotwoody, and Twitter Tickl...
Read full storyTaylor Lautner To Guest Star On 'Dog The Bounty Hunter'
COLORADO SPRINGS - Twilight's Taylor Lautner recently revealed that he has agreed to guest star on an upcoming episode of A&E's Dog The Bounty Hunter. Lautner first approached Duane "The Dog" Chapman about appearing on his show after seeing hi...
Read full storySpider-Man Scandal: He Bought Himself Good Reviews!
The new reviews of "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark," which finally had its official opening night on Broadway, are in. They are quite good, at least better than the reviews of the preview performances. They SHOULD be good, as they've been bought...
Read full storyU.S. Prosecutors Report That Sen. John Edwards Mug Shots Are The Damn Happiest Mug Shots That They've Ever Seen
WINSTON-SALEM, North Carolina - Senator John Edwards surrendered to Federal authorities and immediately was finger printed and had his picture taken. United States prosecutors report that the mugs shots of the senator from North Carolina are the d...
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