Having come to an arrangement with the International Olympic Committee over a suitable allocation of free tickets and heavily-subsidised (if not completely free) hotels as part of his new term of dictatorship over FIFA, Sad Bladder has announced some extra events - all new to the Olympics - that FIFA will be sponsoring.
Held in the banking hall of the HSBC Tower on Canary Wharf, "Bung Jumping" should prove particularly popular with FIFA member countries. The competing athletes will have to jump over an increasing stack of £10 notes, with the last man or woman standing having ten minutes to fill as many black plastic sacks as they can with the notes. They will then have 12 hours to get them over to FIFA headquarters and stack them neatly in the directorate's office.
Hunt the Knight Hood is an exciting game where teams dash from the Olympic stadium via Buckingham Palace and 10 Downing Street, then on to Westminster seeking the elusive Knight Hood. The representatives from The Bahamas, Trinidad & Tobago and Qatar are said to be firm favourites.
Gary Linekar was unavailable for comment as he was suffering from indigestion having stuffed himself with crisps.