Jimmy Bullard trades in Hull wet fish for QPR caviar
Word on the streets is that wantaway diamond geezer Jimmy Bullard is looking to trade in the wet fish of Hull for a diet of caviar with glamour club QPR. Jimmy Bullard was last seen casting his line in London after calling Hull "a minging dump."...
Read full storyOscar Goodman endorses Ron Jeremy for president
LAS VEGAS - Former Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has officially endorsed porn star Ron Jeremy for president in 2012. Pursuant to Goodman, not only has Ron Jeremy contributed to economic growth since the porn industry has been a multi-billion doll...
Read full storyUgandan parliament outlaws doorbell-ditching, witchcraft
KAMPALA, Uganda -- The National Assembly of Uganda entered a recess this week, ending one of the most productive legislative sessions in the country's history. The 375-member unicameral parliament enacted widespread reforms to the country's exhausti...
Read full storyFlorence dumps Harry amid vile rumors he's Rebekah Brooks/Nick Clegg's spawn
London - Blonde lingerie model Florence Brudenell-Bruce has pulled the plug on her Prince Harry romance after some 'horrid' DNA test results. The royal impostor, who has made a megabux living impersonating Harry, is livid at being rumbled by what...
Read full storyAncient rockers, AC/DC, launch their own wine, Hells Bells!
Joining a group of ancient rockers, medieval pop-stars and has-beens, AC/DC have also launched their own brand of wine on to an unsuspecting public. Their fans, mostly ancient piss-artists themselves, will love the idea, head-banging over a bottle...
Read full storyDavid Cameron Vows To Dismantle the Inner Cities and Return to Peasant Values - The Whitney Project
This week David Cameron launched a radical new initiative to reorganise British society, not seen in the Western world since the industrial revolution, in order to combat the spread of gangster culture within British cities. Cameron also confirmed th...
Read full storyHubris Travels on a Bus! Obama Continues to Travel First Class at Taxpayer Expense!
In a cloud of diesel smoke and a hearty "Saddle Up and Head 'em Out", Barry Obama took to the open road on his 3 day political junket in a presidential cavalcade consisting of $3m worth of custom buses and a horde of support vehicles at taxpayer expe...
Read full storyWell Mother Nature Has Finally Caught Up With Lindsay Lohan - "LiLo" Now Looks Like Faye Dunaway
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - After years of carrying on in an abusive environment Mother Nature has finally caught up with the poor, little, rich, troubled starlet known as Lindsay Lohan. Lohan who has spent the past few years crossing the lines of what is l...
Read full storyThe number of 'Strictly' shows to be expanded
After the latest viewing figures for Strictly Come Dancing show that this form of reality television remains as inexplicably popular as ever, the BBC intend to expand the stable. "For example, in late Autumn we're going to be showing Strictly No P...
Read full storyStephen Hawking becomes the voice of Intelligent Design
Professor Stephen Hawking has agreed to become the voice of Intelligent Design yesterday. Speaking through a computerised voice box, Hawking was enthusiastic about what ID stands for. "Intelligent Design has so much going for it," said Hawking.
Read full storyHaving a Continental Girlfriend
You entered that classy late bar where all the Erasmus students drink cider and discuss Descartes. You told yourself that you were building bridges and preparing for life as a diplomat. 'Sure, we're all Europeans now' you shrugged in that non-committal European way. You tried to engage your fellow Europeans in friendly conversation but your friends tell you later that you actually sauntere...
Read full storyThe Feeding of the 5000 explained
Theological Biblical Students at Wakefield Primary School believe that the story of the Feeding of the Five Thousand in the Bible is an example of the world's first Flash Mob. "Basically," said Naomi Jefferson, "we think that Jesus put some sort o...
Read full storyGermany celebrates 50 years after the wall by building a new one!
Germany is celebrating 50 years after the tumbling down of the wall (not the Pink Floyd one) and many Germans are very happy with the German government's celebration plans, they are going to build a new one! It seems that the tumbling of the wall...
Read full storyChurches install Credit Card readers into collection plates
Many Churches around the world have seen a decline in tithing in their congregations since members are not carrying cash as often. The churches decided last week to install credit card readers into the collection plates because most people carry...
Read full storyPeople Of Iowa Try To Kill Off Republican Candidates Before Primaries Even Starts
The people of Iowa are trying to kill off the current crop of Republican delegates before they even made it to the primaries. Appearing at various gatherings throughout the state to peddle their political wares, the ranting Righties were assaulted by...
Read full storyRomney to take both Bachmann and Palin for VP
Boston Even though the convention is a year away, with the campaign not even really started, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney feels so confident in the outcome that he's announcing his running mates already: Michele Bachmann and Sarah Pa...
Read full storyIrish presidential election now open to all former Eurovision contestants
DUBLIN, Ireland - A representative of the Irish government announced yesterday that all former Irish representatives at the Eurovision Song Contest would be eligible to stand for the upcoming presidential election. This marks a notable change to the...
Read full storyCouch potatoes life expectancy measured
It's taken twenty-five years to complete the study, but the latest research from Evesham Sports College indicates that for every hour spent watching TV, life expectancy is reduced by twenty-two minutes. "This means," said Teri Vizien, who headed u...
Read full storyTwo Found Dead In Bangkok Apartment
Police in the Thai capital of Bangkok say that the discovery last week of two bodies in an Englishman's apartment in the city are of 'absolutely no interest whatsoever' to them, as the corpses are those of two mosquitoes. Moys Kenwood, 49, origina...
Read full storyCoalition for Barefoot Politicians blasts Congresswoman Shelley Berkley
WASHINGTON - Faye Kerr, president of Coalition for Barefoot Politicians, issued a statement blasting Congresswoman Shelley Berkley for shoe shopping. "As president of Coalition for Barefoot Politicians, I find Congresswoman Berkley's shoe shopping...
Read full storyQueens Park Rangers To Charge For Bog Roll Next
Queens Park Rangers, the football club with billionaire owners, has announced in the last half hour that it plans to charge for the use of toilet roll on matchdays from now on. Rangers, who lost their opening day fixture against Bolton Wanderers 4...
Read full storyFabio Capello To Blame For London Riots?
A leaked memorandum from the Football Association has indicated that England coach Fabio Capello may have been at least partly to blame for last week's London Riots, which have now spread to other cities in the UK. The riots raged across the capit...
Read full storyQueens Park Rangers Fans Charged To Get Out Of Loftus Road
Queens Park Rangers fans, already aggrieved with vastly-increased season ticket prices before the start of their Premier League campaign, were hit with a new insult on Saturday, as they were forced to pay £2 to get out of Loftus Road during their 4-0...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Is Devastated At The News That Her Show 'Kate Plus 8' Has Been Cancelled
READING, Pennsylvania - One minute Kate Gosselin is riding high with a hit cable show, a nice looking hairdo, and a budding relationship with a rock and roll icon and the next she gets knocked to the nasty ground on her good looking butt. Kate has...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston's New Nude Workout Video Is Flying Off The Shelves
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Jennifer Aniston reports that she hasn't been as happy as she is now since back when she was still strutting her stuff as Mrs. Brad Pitt. The 42-year-old actress who many say is much better looking than Angelina Jolie, who stole...
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