India uses novel torture technique on Pakistani militants - says "We don't need Guantanamo"
The lone-surviving Pakistani militant in Indian custody has been singing like a canary. While the Zardari-Gilani government (pressured by the Army-Mullah-Militant nexus) has been running hither-thither and yon pointing fingers sideways and complaini...
Read full storyBleak Outlook for Political Comedians
With President-reject Bush only a stones throw from eviction and a seemingly competent new leader coming in, the outlook for sources of new political humor material seems discouraging. "Thank God we got Hillary in there otherwise we'd be dead i...
Read full storyTribal Spokesman Says Economy Fine
A tribe unknown until five years ago living in Brazil's Rain Forest say they have not been affected in the least by the world's economy taking a nose dive. "Mubutu lost some stock but found them a week later over the hill where Anja lives. He clai...
Read full storyABC's of ex girlfriends
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally gr...
Read full storyRoger Clemens Signs With The Yokohama Bay Stars
YOKOHAMA, Japan - Major League baseball pitcher Roger Clemens has just been signed by the Yokohama Bay Stars of The Japanese Central League. Clemens reportedly signed a two-year contract worth $60 million. Clemens and his family will live rent fre...
Read full storyJimmy Wilkinson's Edged Weapons Announce The Latest In Shaving Technology - A 58 Blade Razor With Artificial Intelligence
Dubai, sunset. - Much fanfare here in Dubai at the Filthy Rich To The Extent That It Borders On Obscenity Hotel, Dubai, at sunset. UK shaving technology giants Jimmy Wilkinson's unveiled their much heralded 58 blade miracle item of high tech shavi...
Read full storyCouncil knew social worker 'was probably Myra Hindley's daughter'
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): For years a North London council knew that disgraced social worker Sharon Poosmith 'was probably Myra Hindley's illigitimate daughter' according to an opinion poll in this weekend's Fascist on Sunday. Poosmith,...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens slammed for Mexico's Naked Virgin of Guadalupe magazine front cover
Mexico City - (Naked Ass Madonna Mess): High School Musical starlet Vanessa Hudgens has been slammed for her tinsel-pubed Naked Virgin of Guadalupe on the December front cover of iconic glamor magazine LA FagHagSlagMag's Mexican edition. The publi...
Read full storyScientists develop non-stick Velcro
Scientists working at MIT have developed an amazing new form of Velcro that does not stick. "For millennia, people have sought a way to stop their sweaters getting stuck to the hood of their Velcro jackets. Now that glorious day has come", said Pr...
Read full storySarah Palin & Nigella Launch Alaskan Fur Fashion Line
Bear Trap, Alaska - America and Britain's two most powerful female media figures have teamed up to launch an exclusive range of luxury furs. Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin often touted her hunting abilities during her campaign for the American Vice-...
Read full storyPublic fuming after X-Factor results announced before final takes place
The public were fuming today when it was revealed that the winner of X-factor was announced before the final even took place. The final line-up consisted of Whitney Doncaster, an extremely talented girl whom the public were upset wasn't around at...
Read full storyFour horsemen of the apocalypse audition for hollywood role
Those funky equine lovers, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, have recently auditioned for a role in an upcoming Woody Allen flick, as yet untitled, though it is believed to be about Mr Ed, the talking horse. The Horsemen, just back from a exte...
Read full storyBarclay Sisters to Quit Sark
Risking the perils of breaking their customary Trappist code of silence and avoiding publicity like the plague, the senile multi-zillionaire Barclay twins, Doris and Noris, are rumoured to be closing down all business investments on the tiny Channel...
Read full storyDundee Bus Drivers Run And Tell Their Mummies
In the city of Dundee, in the heart of Central Scotland - a country that is generally seen as one of the most dangerous and violent parts of the planet - local bus drivers today made a complaint about shocking abuse directed towards them. But not fro...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston: I Want To Be Brad & Angelina's Babysitter
LAS VEGAS, Nevada - Jennifer Aniston has revealed, in an exclusive interview, with ET's Mary Hart that she has decided to quit being a famous movie and television star and dedicate herself to being Brad and Angelina's full time babysitter. Jennifer, looking erotically sexy in a see-thru black teddy from Victoria's Secret talked candidly with Mary while on the set of her latest motion picture,...
Read full storyDihydrogen Monoxide Aspartame Solution Found In Schools
QUANTICOCO - UPDATE1 FBI agents are raiding schools around the country, roping off the areas around schools for 2000 feet with yellow crime scene tape. Chemists have confirmed the presence of dihydrogen monoxide aspartame solutions concealed in stude...
Read full storyGinger Terror Suspect Shot by Police
Police have shot dead an innocent ginger passenger on a London tube, mistakenly believing him to be Ali Carne, a leading member of the Gingers For Justice campaign. Jock Charles Menzies, 18, a tall man with red hair, was making his way to work whe...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie and Madonna sign for celebrity surrogate
Turkeybaste production chiefs were cock a hoop today when Hollywood A lister and media mammy Angelina Jolie agreed to participate in the first series of 'Celebrity surrogate' only hours after they had clinched a deal with newly divorced multi platinu...
Read full storyVatican Demands Sex
Couples who cannot have sexual intercourse or cannot conceive children naturally have sought methods of reproduction to obey the biblical commission to go forth and multiply and fill the earth. These unique acts of love have been condemned by the Vat...
Read full storyAnn Coulter Movie: 'Diary of a Meth-Addicted, Pre-Op Transexual' to Begin Production
Hollywood, CA- It's official: vitrol-spewing, hate-filled harpy Ann Coulter's biography, Diary of a Meth-Addicted, Pre-Op Transexual will be made into a movie with the same name. The journals were written by Coulter from the ages of twelve to thir...
Read full storyBushes Leave Two Obama Children Behind
In the final days of the Bush misadministration, two little black children will be prevented from starting school on time. The presidential elect first family asked if they could stay in the White House former slave quarters so their children could s...
Read full storyOriginal Cast of Hair to Perform in the Nude
Audience after audience have left the Broadway revival of Hair disappointed that today's youthful actors just cannot relate to that special something that sixty somethings recall if they can even remember the Sixties. Producers of the show in a last...
Read full storyBlagojevich Resigns
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich resigned Saturday amid intense pressure from the media, politicians, and street rats. Blagojevich was defiant in his departure, insisting that he is innocent and that "history will judge me favorably." The resigna...
Read full storyGov. Rod Blagojevich: "Let me walk or else a Republican will get it [Obama's open U.S. Senate seat that is]"
Chicago, Illinois - With a fountain pen in hand, Governor Rod Blagojevich held the entire State of Illinois and the Democratic Party hostage today, threatening to sign a piece of parchment appointing a Republican to Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate...
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