“Okay, okay!” Big Al fired a shot into the ceiling. “Youse guys in the back, settle down, we got serious business to get to.” He turned to the man seated next to him. “Jimmy?” Jimmy Two Nose got to his feet. “We set up focus groups in two counties…
The Arizona GOP has hired Cyber Ninjas to recount ballots from the 2020 election. “The Cyber Ninjas company — headed by a conspiracy theorist and disciple of the “Stop the Steal” lie that the presidential election was rigged — has no election or…
Thinking of changing careers? Hungry for the spotlight? Why not consider politics? It’s not as difficult as you think. Just follow these few simple steps: YOU NEED A SLOGAN! First, you need a slogan. Remember to keep it short, so that people…
Associated Press, November 15, 2020: President Trump’s personal attorney, Rudolph Giuliani, told reporters today that he had overwhelming evidence that the November 3rd presidential election had been rigged. “Scientists,” he claimed, “had detec…
Associated Press, February 7, 2019. Following his success in getting $5billion for his border wall, President Trump once again is threatening to shut down the federal government, this time over his demand that the U.S. Mint issue quarters, half dollars and silver dollars stamped with his likeness. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer have labelled this demand a “ch...
To the graduating class of 2019, congratulations on having me as your commencement speaker. That fact alone makes you the greatest of all graduating classes in the history of the world. Now I want to tell you a few things that will ensure your success after you leave here. It’s okay to be ignorant and uninformed. I am the perfect example of that. I don’t bother to learn the facts about...
Washington, D.C. August 29, 2018. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders played down reports that President Trump’s visit to Hell had been cancelled. “It’s just been rescheduled,” Sanders said, and played down reports that Satan was re...
President Trump and the National Rifle Association announced at a joint news conference that together they would urge Congress to appropriate $12,800,000,000 to provide every student in the country with a ballistic vest. "It's a win-win situation,...
Eighteen republican congressmen and seven republican governors have nominated President Trump to receive the Nobel peace prize. Seventeen republican governors and sixty-two republican congressmen have nominated President Trump for the personal fi...
I am really very uncomfortable with the idea that some hack at the Huffington Post or the local newspaper, or worse, some well-meaning friend, or an angry relative whom I left out of my will, will have the chore, or as the case may be, the joy of writing my obituary. As the saying goes, "if you want something done well, do it yourself." And after all, once your obit is done, it can't be undone...
[Associated Press, October 17, 2017] In an event so secret that even the President's closest advisors were kept in the dark about it, Donald Trump swapped places with Kim Jong-un, the leader of North Korea. For seven days, the President basked in...
Here is my recipe for Stuffed Dotard With Orange Sauce: 1 large dotard, about 250 pounds* 1 Twitter account 1-2 quarts orange hair dye Drench the top of the dotard with the orange hair dye. Wait 20 minutes for it to set. Dress the dotard in a conventional suit, or in traditional golf attire, with a cap that says "Make America Great Again." Heat the dotard up with a message on twitter, o...
"Now, Donald, I have prepared a few simple exercises for you [handing him a printed card]. Start at the top, and read all the way through." "I condemn the racists and neo-nazis and white supremacists who . . . Listen, I know that the fake media want to distort everything I say . . ." "No, no, no! That is unacceptable. You absolutely must stay on message. Start over from the beginning."...
Scientists at the National Institutes of Health announced today that they have identified the source of the mysterious infection that has brought down members of the administration. After analyzing blood and other bodily fluids taken from Sean Spi...
Associated Press, June 11, 2018. Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced that a federal grand jury has indicted Donald Trump, Jr., Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner and four others, for obstruction of justice and conspiring with a foreign power to inter...
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced the creation of a panel of experts to advise the President on construction of his wall on the southern border of the U.S. "The President is very pleased to announce that the panel will include Publiu...
[Associated Press, Washington, D.C. The reclusive being popularly know as Satan, a/k/a Lucifer, Shaitan, etc., etc., gave a rare interview today in which he scored various of the world's leaders.] AP: Mr. Satan, thank . . . SAT: Just "Satan," will do. AP: Well, thank you, Satan, for making time to speak with us. Tell us about your recent report in which you scored some of the world's lead...
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