[Associated Press, Washington, D.C. The reclusive being popularly know as Satan, a/k/a Lucifer, Shaitan, etc., etc., gave a rare interview today in which he scored various of the world's leaders.]
AP: Mr. Satan, thank . . .
SAT: Just "Satan," will do.
AP: Well, thank you, Satan, for making time to speak with us. Tell us about your recent report in which you scored some of the world's leaders.
SAT: Every hundred years I issue a report card, rating world leaders from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest score. What's new this time is that my report is in digital format, and is searchable.
AP: What criteria do you consider, in awarding your scores?
SAT: Oh, the usual. Stupidity, cruelty, crimes against humanity. You can think of it as another reality show, in which the various contestants compete for a place on TeamSatan.
AP: Sort of like "The Apprentice"?
SAT: Uh-huh. Only he copied the idea from me.
AP: Can you tell us some of the highlights?
SAT: Well, keep your eye on Recep Tayyip Erdoğan. He's an up-and-comer. With the last rigged election in Turkey he's all set to assume the mantle of dictator-for-life, and I fully expect that he will ramp up his efforts at torture and imprisonment.
AP: What about Bashar al-Assad and Kim Jong-un?
SAT: The Korean fat boy only rates a 4. He scares a lot of Western leaders, and he's starving millions of his own people, but I score on a curve, and he's just not up there. Assad is up there - he gets a 9.
AP: Have you rated anyone a 10?
SAT: Vladimir Putin. First, he's a master thief, from stealing Super Bowl rings to stealing an entire nation, and then parts of other nations. He's the one who enabled Assad to murder hundreds of thousands of Syrians - you get extra points for having cruel disciples. He's destabilized Europe and is well on his way to finishing off democracy in America. I'm very proud of him, actually. In a few years, when I collect him, he'll sit at my right hand.
AP: And President Trump? What sort of rating did you give him?
SAT: I gave him a 2. Strictly amateur. If he wasn't so stupid he would have been rated only a 1. Talks big, but he hasn't actually tortured anyone yet, although his press secretary has tortured everyone who listens to the White House press conferences. Still, there's hope for him. He's on track to hasten climate change and oppress the poor. If he provokes a nuclear war with North Korea he'll definitely move up in the ratings.
AP: Thank you.
SAT: My pleasure.
