London - (Sordid Tories' Ass Mess): "We found her puking her guts out and writhing in excruciating agony on the throne room floor," a Palace flunkey told reporters following the news that the Queen had had a severe reaction to Prince Charles' offici...
After years of two sycophantic and simpering Labour Prime Ministers, the Queen invited Brian Clough to Buckingham Palace today, to take Gordon Brown's place as Premier. 'By 'eck', he said, after talks with Her Majesty, 'you've got to 'and it to th...
England has been put up for sale. Its current owners Liz and Phil are planning to retire to Greece and have decided to cash in. They did have an option of leaving England to their children to run, but the current economic crisis has made that unlikel...
The British Royal Family's principal toilet in Buckingham Palace has announced its retirement after 50 years'service. In a career that has seen an unparalelled number of royal bottoms and flushed away countless tons of regal turds. The toilet said...
As the sun goes down on her glittering career, the ex-Big Brother housemate Jade Goody has told her publicist that she is now ready to accept visits from the rich and famous, and from the showbusiness world. Goody is now the most popular person in...
Jade Goody, Britain's favourite racist, has been told by the Queen, that she is in line for a knighthood. Goody, who made her name by shooting her mouth off on the Channel 4 reality TV show Big Brother, is terminally ill with cancer, and has only...
Prince Charles today spoke movingly of his pain every Mother's Day. As a packed audience listened in hushed silence Charles told them of his "vast and overpowering despair" at this time of year. "Every year I keep hoping that it will be the last,...
London - (Assisted Euthanasia Ass Mess): It's been billed as the royals' annual Swiss bank account healthcheck visit. But next week's all-expenses paid trip to the Gnomes of Zurich Safety Deposit Box-Clever AG, organised by Prince Charles, may a...
Washington,DC/ Shopping News - Michelle Obama didn't waste any time in preparing for the Obamas' audience with Queen Elizabeth, scheduled for April 1 at Buckingham Palace, in conjunction with the G20 meeting discussing the world's dysfunction. Ob...
A former wrestler has bodyslammed an oap in an incident described as 'nightmarish' by witnesses. Mick McManus, former pro-wrestler, nightclub bouncer and florist, is accused of slamming into the oap again and again 'like a wild animal' said one pa...
The Cosmos - (Special Sick Relationship Mess): Sunday's awesome Sun/Saturn opposition is being hailed as the ultimate omen that the credit crunch's evil queen bee is about to go belly-up. The Pisces/Virgo clash occurs at 19.52GMT in a spooky numer...
It has been claimed that Queen Elizabeth 2 is a virgin queen. For some time there have been rumours but it is only now that relevant documents have been made available. It is believed that Prince Philip tried to consummate the marriage, but it was...
London - (Armageddinouttahere! Mess): Biblical prophecy onanists have warned the transit of two-tailed Comet Lulin hails a terrible end for the Hellfire Club puppet monarch's reign this Sunday. "The comet augurs the fake dynasty matriarch choking...
Queen Elizabeth is to deliver her annual Christmas speech by Twitter. The 15 minute message to the Commonwealth will be replaced with a 140-character statement. The Queen already has 4,149 followers on her twitter account. Besides the pre-recor...
In a unprecedented move, Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,spiritual head of the Church of England and defender of the Faith, has been signed to a two year contract with English Premier League glamour side Manchester United Football Club, with an...
London - (Branch Davidians Copycat Mess): Fears are growing about the troubled UK Puppet Monarchy 'doing a St Valentine's Day Waco' after the European Court of Human Frights ordered the entire spoof dynasty to undergo compulsory equality training and...
Using technology that is designed to identify computer viruses, the Metropolitan Police today began the hunt for a laptop PC that was left in the back of a taxi yesterday. Police were guarded about providing many details, but said that it was a matt...
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