Queen's toilet retires after 50 years' service

Funny story written by Everyman

Sunday, 15 March 2009

image for Queen's toilet retires after 50 years' service
Royal toilet retires - Queen Elizabeth now looking for another throne

The British Royal Family's principal toilet in Buckingham Palace has announced its retirement after 50 years'service. In a career that has seen an unparalelled number of royal bottoms and flushed away countless tons of regal turds.

The toilet said: "I don't like resorting to toilet humour, but this has been the job of jobs. I have had brilliant time whilst others are having their crap time. However, it is right to call it a day. Being a toilet is a tough profession, and I am aware how lucky I am. I have not had to cope with the glory holes and cottaging that my peers have endured - although don't think I haven't had my fair share of "eye opening" experiences! (I think Edward know what I mean). "

Asked if it felt it was the best toilet in the business, the lavatory replied: "I don't want to be arrogant, but I do believe I was number one whilst the Queen did her number two."

It is reckoned that the toilet has shifted 1,000 tonnes of royal shit - enough to fill Wembley Stadium or a Jeffrey Archer novel.

The retirement of the toilet of course leaves a vacancy for the post. In tune with the modern world, Buckingham Palace said it would be carrying out a Saturday Night tv show to find the best British toilet. Graham Norton will host it. The presenter said: "I have done a load of real poo in my career but this is the first time I will have done a show that is royal poo."

The toilet was asked what it will do in its retirement. It told us: "I don't want to give up work altogether. I am thinking about writing a book of my experiences, entitled "How to get to the bottom" or "A royal flush", and then I might look for a role as an anthopomorphised piece of furniture in a Harry Potter film.

IN the meantime, the toilet will be a guest columnist in Hello magazine for the next six months: "It's a reversal of roles for me - I have had a career dealing with a whole load of royal shit, but now I will be producing it!"

We couldn't resist asking about the biggest shit the toilet had ever seen during his contact with the royal family. "That's easy," it replied, "Paul Burrell."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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