London - (Assisted Euthanasia Ass Mess): It's been billed as the royals' annual Swiss bank account healthcheck visit.
But next week's all-expenses paid trip to the Gnomes of Zurich Safety Deposit Box-Clever AG, organised by Prince Charles, may actually hide something far more desperate.
Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip are travelling to the dodgy Alpine secret tax haven after their Coutts Bank lifetime savings crumbled to dust when parent company Rogue Bank of Scotland went down the swanee owing £25 billion.
The portfolio had been masterminded by Off-the-Wailing-Wall Street fraudster Bernard Madoff whose inimicable Ponzi scam went belly-up last December.
Charles made the suggestion that the royal couple visit the Swiss facility after hearing it offers its safety deposit box customers 'a unique opportunity to connect with their higher selves'.
"It's slightly more sophisticated than the old rubber hose into the exhaust pipe scenario," a Clarence House source commented today, "but not nearly as unreliable as the usual Swiss euthanasia clinic cocktail party."
Camilla is 69.