A popular Australian pelican was today recruited to the Assisted Suicide campaign following the release of a news video of the bird trying to finish off a TV presenter. In the video the bird is seen hilariously biting the bottom of a laughing TV p...
Britain's pensioners are turning to hard core drugs in droves to escape the gritty reality of their useless lives in today's society, a report has today revealed. Pensioners are hounding down dealers on sink estates asking for cut price heroin and...
A host of Z-list cartoon characters have been slated by a watchdog magazine for failing to entertain today's children. Amongst the slighted stars are The Honey Monster, Tony The Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop, Moo the Dairylea cow, Coco the Coco Po...
Ed Uca-shone offish shoals have two day banned spellling tests from skools after pew pills found them dissed dressing. A resent report has outlined the facked that most chilled wren get sick bee four a test, Patrick U Lee bee four a spellling tes...
Katie Price came a cropper earlier today when shares in her clothes-horse business plummeted after several related accidents across the UK. Katie aka model Jordan unveiled her "horse couture" range earlier this week, which basically involved dress...
Today the "Government" has introduced collectable cigarette packets for the first time, following the success of packets with written warnings of impending doom such as, "smoking kills." The new, more colourful, packets will have pictures of cripp...
A top London surgeon has stepped in to rescue a toddler who has had Bart Simpson burned onto his forearm after a cheap Spanish stick-on tattoo went wrong. The toddler was allowed the stick on henna tattoo by his parents, but suffered an allergic r...
A sad ectoplasmic Victorian serving maid today started haunting a large shopping centre in the Midlands after failing to get any reaction in Primark. The large, busy and very impersonal store was built on the grounds of an ancient Indian burial s...
Stupid magician David Blaine was today being sued under the trades description act after his "Dive of Death" didn't cause his untimely death. Literally dozens of fans waited until the end of his stunt to see him "dive to his death." When this didn...
Popular confectionary Jellybabies are due to be downsized to reflect the decrease in birthweight of the nations babies due to an increase in teenage pregnancy and smoking during pregnancy. The chubby colourful little sweets are set to be reduced...
Fat wanker Brian McFadden, who famously ditched his wife and kids after losing weight, has announced that he will be flying back to the U.K to collect his half of Kerry Katona's kids. Chinwobbler McFadden, who lives abroad with Delta Goodbum in an...
Pointless chav Kerry Katona has been made bankrupt overnight, the Inland Revenue has revealed. The dozy Mancunian who suffers from bipolar disorder, slapper syndrome and an abnormally large gob, said only last week that she was rolling in it and stil...
Unwanted export Gary Glitter was this morning en route to Beijing after being refused entry to every other country. Glitter was previously holed up in the tiny country of Limbo, just outside Thailand. It is believed that Glitter suddenly decided t...
Fat lipped trout Jade Goody has spoken exclusively about the cancer scares that are killing her. Jade has been the victim of 14 cancer scares over the past few years, since she got famous, and has revealed that doctors say another one could kill her.
Hannah Montanna star Miley Cyrus has started dating her co- star Lucas Till after he gave her a silver "slave" bracelet to ensure that she "belonged exclusively" to him. Lucas, frightened by allegations that Miley is "about as innocent as Madonna...
The World Health Organisation has today announced that "a minutes silence" does in fact have profound healing properties. The minutes silence, traditionally used for Remembrance Ceremonies to show respect for the dead, has now been adopted for other...
Following the sudden loss of popularity of the humble orange, due to the fact that it's harder to peel than a tangerine, scientists have been working round the clock to get it back on menu's all over the World. It was discovered that kids today s...
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