Boris Johnson - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 22 January 2022

The Changing of the Guard

‘Carrie! Have you been to see that woman yet?’ Johnno had just closed the front door behind him. He looked flustered and slightly desperate.

‘What woman?’

‘The one you said you would…. You know, that Lady Luna…, the, the…, the tarot woman!’

‘Madam Luna? I told you I saw her in the morning…. But that was yesterday.’

‘Well…, what did she say?’

‘Oh, she’s brilliant. She seemed to know so much about us, Johnno. Don’t know how, though. Well, let me see, now…. She started off by saying that there was a new child in my life…. Of course, she was referring to our sweet little Romy. Then she said that there would be another child…, within the next twelve months. Isn’t that exciting? I wasn’t planning on three, but it would be so lovely….’

‘Yes, yes. And wha, wha, what else did she say?’

‘Well…, she dealt the cards and then said that we were in some sort of uncomfortable predicament. Something major, you know. And that’s true as well…. So, prompting her along, I said that she was right. I asked her if it would blow up in our faces.’

Johnno was looking anxious now. ‘And her…, her response to that?’

‘She said that we’d come through it without so much as a scratch. Isn’t that wonderful news, Johnno?’

‘Yes, yes indeed. That’s such marvellous news.’ Johnno was reeling with happiness. He grabbed Carrie and gave her a big hug, but that’s when little Romy started crying.

‘I have to see to her, darling. It’s nanny’s day off.’

Johnno poured himself a whisky and sank back into his easy chair. He would be in parliament all of next day.

Johnno had not expected it to be the shambles it turned out to be. It was about that Lockdown Party Affair.

‘But no one told me it was against the law. I swear, I didn’t even go to the party. Well…, I did, but only to work, as everyone else did as well. That’s it! It was a work party. Not a proper party at all.’

It was a flustered Johnno that hurried back home that afternoon.

‘Carrie, I was abso…, absolutely app…, appalled. That’s right! It was pre…, pre, preposterous. They actually asked me to resign. But I’m the ppp…, prime minister. How dare they ask me to resign? Carrie, you must go see that Luna woman again. Ask her how I can get out of this mess. And make sure you pick the right cards.’

‘Johnno, you can’t possibly lose your job now. What will happen to us? Will we have to move out of number 10? I’ve only just finished putting up this fabulous wall paper. But I’ll see Madam Luna immediately.’

Madam Luna’s pronouncements disappointed Carrie completely. How could Madam Luna possibly know who she and Johnno were? Carrie had used a false name for Madam Luna. She rushed back home to find her husband in a disconsolate state. They had forced him to resign. They had no option but to leave their accommodation by the end of the week.

‘Carrie, do you have any residential property that you own? I don’t have anywhere for us to go to.’

‘No, I don’t have a place of my own. But what about your five residences in London? Were you just lying to me, as you always do?’

‘I’m sorry Carrie. But I lost all my properties to the many wives I had. Divorce and alimony, you know…. Sorry I didn’t tell you about that before, but I thought you loved me enough to marry me without the trappings of unbounded wealth. You do still love me, don’t you?’

‘This puts us in a real mess. What are we going to do? Let me think…. I know. Let’s ask Andy if we can move in with him. His got a thirty-bedroom mansion…. It’s more than enough space for us to squeeze in.’

‘What a good idea! I’ll call him right away.’ Johnno grabbed his phone. Andy sounded sombre on the phone.

‘You can’t? I see. Do you think we could just sneak in through a back door…, and hide in the kitchen quarters? …. Of course, not. Well, good luck Andy.’

‘Sorry, Carrie. That won’t work. Andy has received notice to vacate his home as well.’

‘Oh, no! Nothing is going to plan. And what are we going to do about the nanny? And the supply of nappies we write off as taxpayer expenses? How could we possibly afford them with you having lost your job?’ Carrie looked angrily at Johnno before her next outburst. ‘I’m too upset to talk about this now, Johnno. You find a solution to the nanny and the nappies while I peel the wallpaper off. I’m not leaving this place without it…. Try calling Lord Litchfield and Viscount Weymouth. They have lots of money and property. They could do their bit for the love of country, and help us. And then you can start packing those paintings in your office.’

‘They aren’t ours, are they? But what a good idea. We could sell them later on and make some stash that way. You’re absolutely brilliant, Carrie.’

Johnno called five of his richest acquaintances. Not a single one picked up his calls. A last call to an ex-prime minister only received a “f--- off” response.

‘Carrie, you must see that tarot woman again. Ask her where we can find a place to move to. I’ve given up with all our friends and ac…, ac, acquaintances.’

Carry rushed off to see Madam Luna. She returned with a long face.

‘Oh, Johnno. Madam Luna says that our only chance is to put our name down for a council flat. I’ve been to the council offices and done that. They say that our best options are in Brixton or Bow…, so utterly despicable. But the waiting list is three years. In the interim period, where on earth do we go?’