Washington DC: A new Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) study apologizes for the federal government's junk science blaming Carbon Dioxide (CO2) for causing climate change. The real culprit is stinky feet.
The EPA was examining regulating the odor caused by athlete's feet, under the Clean Air Act, when the erroneous CO2 error was discovered. The original complaint was made by Transportation Security Administration (TSA) screeners who are exposed to shoeless people every day at airports. The question of what to do about the problem perplexed EPA personnel.
TSA officials came to the EPA with a proposed solution. The TSA had bought one billion dollars worth of high tech scanning equipment that failed to detect prohibited materials potentially carried by airline passengers. However, when these same scanners were pointed downward they would detect stinky feet. The TSA indicated that they would give the EPA the defunct 5,800 airport scanning machines, if they paid the machine's contractor for the downward looking scanning modifications.
The EPA tentatively agreed, having one scanning machine modified as a prototype and used it at their headquarters in Washington DC to successfully identify all employees with stinky feet. They also found this modified machine could scan for odors as high as a person's waist line. The Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary played ObamaCare doctor and prescribed the necessary foot crèmes and lotions.
The EPA Administrator then called the TSA Administrator to transfer the remainder of the 5,800 scanning machines to the contractor for the needed modifications. The TSA Administrator indicated that the invasive pat downs done by airport screeners had discovered male jock itch and female yeast infections also cause odors. The EPA Administrator labeled this a non-problem based on the prototype equipment test results. President Obama is also reprogramming another one billion dollars to double the number of modified airport scanning machines.
The EPA now plans to install all 11,600 of the modified airport scanning machines wherever the American public congregates such as in supermarkets, movie theaters, sports arenas and restaurants. Shoes must be removed before entering the premises, but the scourge of stinky feet and other odors will finally be eliminated in the USA.
The machine contractor is very happy after realizing there are 310 million pairs of stinky feet in the USA. Additionally, the United Nations (UN) has approached the contractor, as there are five billion pairs of stinky feet in the world. A compact machine for cars and buses may also be developed.
President Obama is happy, as he has once again provided taxpayer stimulus money to a private contractor, increased sales for the pharmaceutical industry, needs to hire minimally 11,600 new federal TSA employees, utilized ObamaCare and is going to ask Congress for another two billion dollars for more modified airport scanning machines.