WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- Second-hand Estrogen (SHE) is more dangerous to males than even second-hand smoke, says a joint report issued Wednesay by the Enivironmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
"Second-hand Estrogen is a pollutant excreted by females, mostly human, but including even female parakeets," said the report's author, Imareel Deadman, MD PhD. Excretion is by exhalation, sweat and tear glands and ducts, urine and feces, said the report.
"Males exposed by high levels of second-hand estrogen have severe developmental difficulties. These may include stunted growth, inability to speak to women or girls in any intelligent fashion, insomnia, halitosis, acne, unwanted erections, especially while delivering book reports in class, development of female breastesses, dressing in womens' clothing, homofaggosexualism, body piercing, tattos of roses on the backside, and a host of other sysmptoms too great to mention in this short report," said Deadman.
The report stated that "just being a teenager in a house with more than one female is enough to cause the boy to convulse as if in an epileptic seizure. Talking to a girl of dating age will bring the onset of Glossolalia, or speaking in unknown tongues."
It gets worse for fathers who share their homes with a wife and, let's say, four daughters. The report told of one man, John X(his real name), who is forced to wait until his wife and four daughters use the bathroom in the morning. When John enters and closes the bathroom door, he his enveloped in second-hand estrogen in the amount of 1000 parts per billion, an almost leathal amount. After leaving the bathroon, John X walks outside, summer or winter, and sits beneath his apple tree, head in hands, muttering, "Jesus help me! Help me!"
The report was submitted to President Obama but authorities fear he is the wrong person to offer any constructive help. He was raised by his grandmother, and now lives in a White House with three females.
Dr. Deadman says he and his colleges, the EPA and FDA are all working on a vaccine to prevent second-hand estrogen from injuring unborn males.