SAN FRANCISCO - Corporations which fail to use EPA mandated "Carbon-Free Unicorn Gas" may face almost $7 Million in fines as warnings from the Federal Government were issued with the arrival of a new year. Objections are loud and numerous over a requirement for businesses to buy nonexistent products, or face the wrath of an unaccountable bureaucracy filled with Leftist, Environmental Lunatics.
William Crane (Sr Chemical Engineer, Exxon): One - there's no F*cking Unicorn Farts.... Two - there's no F*cking Magic Triple-Bean Jalapeno Chili that turns Unicorns into Perpetual Energy-Fart Machines.... Three - What's the Flash-Point, Molecular Thermal Potential, and Compressed Energy Density by Unit for these F*cking Carbon-Free Unicorn Farts?
With the current administration's "Never Allow a Crisis to Go to Waste" policy, many DC politicians applaud the EPA's boldness of ignoring reality and defying the US Constitution. For example, an Idaho couple which bought $27,000 of land for a house was threatened with $37,000 of fines per day for "disturbing protected wetlands." The US Supreme Court condemned the EPA's abuse of regulatory powers as violating the Sackett's 8th Amendment Right which forbids "excessive fines imposed" by the government.
Ken Salazar (Interior Secretary): The EPA must shred the Constitution to save the planet - we're in a CRISIS. One of the most brilliant scientists on Earth, Al Gore, working with the United Nations, which has NEVER done anything corrupt or dishonest, MUST stop the planet surface from turning into Boiling Lava. The inside of the Earth is "several million degrees," but Evil oil companies are removing the Carbon which traps heat deep within the Earth, and as heat escapes from the lava core, soon the oceans will boil away.
Al Gore had prepared a new crisis statement for the "Polar Bear Social Justice Conference" in Alaska, but after 26 feet of record snowfall since November near Valdez, Mr Gore has temporarily delayed his announcement. While the polar bear population has increased by as much as 20,000 since 1940, Global Warming advocates insist that growing populations do not make extinction of a species any less likely, and the best way to save polar bears is through very expensive government subsidies to "scientists" with a history of fraud and misconduct. An alternate view comes from the "Darwin Institute for Posthumous Awards" which theorizes that increasing numbers of bears may result from additional food, like hippies and environmental activists in the Arctic.
Despite Al Gore's effort to "protect" the EPA, some independent reporters have aggressively challenged the agency's top leadership. Issues surrounding the Government's "unintended consequences" include: blocking economic growth from construction, driving tens-of-thousands of energy jobs out of the US, putting millions of dollars into the pockets of bankrupt "green" companies with political connections, falsifying conclusions of independent scientific reports, failing to comply with explicit testing procedures, stonewalling FOIA requests, and defying court orders when judges rule against the agency. The response to the numerous questions from the journalists was "brief and cryptic":
Lisa Jackson (EPA Administrator): TREMBLE, VILE HUMANS ... SOON THE COLD ENTRAILS OF YOUR SPECIES WILL BURST OPEN WITH THE BROOD OF THE URUK-HAI, AND GOZAR SHALL BEGIN AN ETERNAL RULE OF DARKNESS!!!
Jay Carney later reminded the press "not to take statements out of context" because saving the Earth is an incredibly difficult and never-ending task. He then added it would be easier "if we could just eliminate Congress and the Supreme Court so Obama could do his job without interference."
Jehmu Greene, former president of "The Media Center", announced that a giant economic conspiracy explained the lack of "Carbon-Free Unicorn Gas." She explained the Evil Anti-Unicorn agenda of the GOP, and its two accomplices in the conspiracy: BIG OIL - which will stop at nothing to prevent a Unicorn-Powered World that eliminates the need for oil. WALL STREET - which will only allow people to get Unicorn Energy after it has been turned into a Hedge-Fund controlled commodity whose price can be manipulated by the Fat-Cat Billionaires.