1970s radical freed from US jail, Patty Hearst offers support to Dalai Lama

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Friday, 21 March 2008

image for 1970s radical freed from US jail, Patty Hearst offers support to Dalai Lama
SLA's recruitment drive offers limited-time half-price membership fee and free coffeemaker to all applicants.

Speaking for militant 70s-era urban guerilla group the Symbionese Liberation Army, Patty 'Tania' Hearst-Shaw today announced the SLA's official reorganization and showcased their reemergence as a 'radical force for change' by booking several business-class flights to Tibet following yesterday's prison release of fellow SLA member and convicted bomber Kathleen 'Soliah' Olson.

The Malaysian Air tickets purchase utilized most of actress Patricia 'Tania' Hearst-Shaw's frequent-flyer miles.

This new Symbionese Liberation Army, re-formed under 54-year-old housewife Patty Hearst-Shaw, has issued a media statement condemning Eastasia's recent brutal repression of Buddhist monks and ethnic Tibetans in Lhasa Apso.

The SLA will not disclose their exact intentions but rumours persist that a public Tibetan 'action' is planned in protest against the totalitarian regime of Big Brother.

In particular, SLA 'Field Marshal Six' Patty Hearst has publicly declared Eastasia's treatment of the 14th Dalai Lama, who was imprisoned last week in a Ministry of Love reeducation center and subsequently 'disappeared' as an 'Unperson', to be in opposition to the SLA's oft-stated goal of 'deep and loving harmony' amoung peoples.

The Symbionese Liberation Army media statement further attests that their organization will now be actively working towards this goal of harmony beginning with an initial bulk-discount purchase of small arms and pamphlets scheduled for C.O.D. delivery upon their arrival in Tibet.

Publishing heiress and former U.C. Berkeley co-ed Patricia Hearst-Shaw was arrested in September 1975 after one of the longest and most publicized manhunts in history. She was subsequently convicted of charges stemming from the 1974 Hibernia Bank robbery but only served 21 months.

Patty Hearst-Shaw's initial seven year prison sentence was commuted by U.S. president Jimmy Carter and she was later fully pardoned by President Bill Clinton, who claimed to admire her tenacious attempts to verbally wriggle out of national condemnation.

Clinton later hired actress Hearst-Shaw as script consultant for his 1998 televised White House news conference regarding Monica Lewinsky. Hearst-Shaw is commonly held to be the author of the famous Clinton line, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman".

Few dispute that Clinton owes a debt to Hearst-Shaw's courtroom defense for his oft-repeated statement, "These allegations are false."

Patty 'Tania' Hearst-Shaw has spent the years awaiting release of her fellow SLA members making cameo appearances in short-lived sitcoms like Boston Commons and Son of the Beach, as well as occasional small roles in obscure John Water's films.

In addition to heiress Hearst-Shaw, the present SLA membership includes the newly-released Sara Jane 'Soliah' Olson, now a Minnesota doctor's housewife with three daughters, Emily Montague née Harris, bourgeois pig also married to a doctor, and James Kilgore, pipe-bomber and WWII graffitist famous for his 'Kilgore was Here' defacement of military property.

The SLA is currently seeking to expand its active roster by offering a limited-time half-price membership fee and free coffeemaker to all applicants.

Call 555-1212 to schedule an interview.

Tragic Rabbit, Ministry of Truth, Oceania

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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