WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - Kitty Segovia, with The iNews News Agency has just broken the story that Russian dictator Vladimir Nikita Putin, is feeling so much fucking heat from the people of Russia that he has decided to leave Ukraine and return his entire army, navy, and air force back to Mama Russia.
Miss Segovia said that she texted Putin, who sounded like he had just been beaten with a family size bottle of Kraft Russian Dressing.
Putin, who is 70, but lately looks like he's 97, says that he is sick and tired of only sleeping 35 minutes a night.
He notes that the stress is just too much to bear, and he will remove all of his troops from Ukraine and perhaps think about invading another country, maybe Poland, Sweden, or Costa Rica.
