Skater Valieva Blames Grandfather’s Medicine for Positive Drug Test

Funny story written by Brett Taylor

Wednesday, 16 February 2022

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Kamila Valieva blames Grandfather's saliva for her drug test

The International Olympic Committee shocked the world this week when it banned Kamila Valieva, the popular figure skater, from its events. The shocking ban was due to the young skater’s positive test for trimetazidine, a substance officially banned by the committee.

Trimetazidine is often used illicitly by athletes to modulate hormones and increase blood flow to the heart, thus heightening alertness and increasing performance.

In a hearing with the Russian Anti-Doping agency (RUSADA), the fifteen-year-old athlete offered an explanation for the substance being in her system. According to The Dossier Center, a Russian website, the skater claims she was exposed to the banned drug through her grandfather, who has a prescription for the substance. And indeed, trimetazidine is sometimes prescribed to regulate blood flow through the heart.

Thanks to her attorneys, we were able to get a few short statements from Miss Valieva at a video hearing. “It is true, my grandfather takes this product and it is all perfectly innocent. He has a prescription for it. It is a wonder drug, really. It is supposed to regulate his heart, but if he takes too much it really revs him up.” Saying this, the young lady flashes a winsome smile. “I am serious! We can’t even get him to sit down! ‘Grandpa, control yourself,’ we say. But he won’t listen. He jumps up and runs about the house like he was my age. Sometimes he is a better athlete than me! You should see him skate.” She breaks out into a little laugh.

But how did he pass the substance on to his granddaughter? At this question, an attorney breaks in. “There can be many ways it got into her body,” he says. “But we think what happened is that she got it from saliva, from drinking after him.”

The explanation sparks much excited murmuring from the reporters. Some of them are skeptical that a little trace of saliva would be enough to foul Valieva’s test. But her attorneys are insistent. “We’re not talking about just a little saliva,” he says. “We think she may have gotten a large dose.”

Valieva cuts in again. “I can explain. Grandfather is old and rather incontinent. In fact he is known to his friends as ‘Old Drool’ or even the Russian equivalent of ‘Sir Drools a Lot.’ There are other names too but they are completely untranslatable in English, so I won’t even bother.

“My region of Russia has a lot of problems with the utilizes. The water they pump in is often very thick and slimy, making it hard to tell the difference. The resemblance to dirty water is so great that it is almost impossible to tell them apart. Many times I have drank an entire glass of drool before I even noticed.”

When another reporter expresses skepticism, the attorney steps up his argument. “Exchange of drool is a perfectly logical explanation. Also, many Russian men give their granddaughters a full kiss on the mouth, with a lot of tongue and no small amount of drool. It would be considered disrespectful for a grandchild to interrupt. This is all very innocent, and also very common.”

“It’s true,” Valieva says. “Men here kiss everybody that way. Wives, grandchildren, even one another. Nobody thinks anything of it. Sometimes I think they are very lonely.”

Valieva has offered an interesting explanation. But will the Olympic Committee believe it? We can only wait and see.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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