A middle-aged, highly sedated homeless man wearing a “sweeping” blond wig was nailed to a giant cross this morning on the grounds of the Mir-a-lago while a crowd of about 130 people looked on. The man, Bob Prentice 52, of Stuebenville, OH is being “well paid“ by the Trump Organization to play the role of Donald John Trump.
The former president issued a press release earlier this morning stating: “the wolves are Breaking down the door and I don’t know how long we can hold them off. It's nuthing but a Giant Whitchunt!!”
Trump went on to rant against the Democrats and the FBI.
Sources tell us approximately 50 additional homeless people were hired to play role such as Democrats and no-goodnicks, while four of the better dressed people were cast as FBI Agents.
Trump’s press release ended with a flourish as he proclaimed his undying love for his “people” and promised he’d continue to look after them all from “the place you all may have heard of, it’s called Heaven”.
We spoke to another heavyset man who told us he’d originally been hired to play Trump, but told us when he met the former president "he called me a fat slob”. He allegedly told his aides “this guy can’t be me! He looks nothing like me!”
Prior to being sedated Prentice, who won the role told us he needed the $250 to help his family and stock up his liquor cabinet. When he was asked how a homeless man had a liquor cabinet, Prentice got angry and shouted “It ain’t enough for you I’m homeless huh?”
The Trump Organization is hoping this strategy will provide plenty of momentum for the launching of a series of Trump-specific platforms that include the Trump Social Media HQ, The Trump News Network and eventually, the Trump Church of the True Lord.
The ceremony began with the FBI Agents nailing the supposed "Trump" figure to the cross then raising it. Next came a procession of females that originally included Melania and Ivanka, however both women backed out at the last minute and were replaced by models. Many signs were then posted to the cross in plain view prior to a photographing session. They included “Greatest President EVER!” “Forsaken Businessman” and “All Hail Trump”.
At last check the Trump stand-in was still breathing steadily but also moaning in short intervals as officials scrambled for more meds. A dark-windowed limo pulled up as the ceremony was concluding, someone resembling Trump and wearing dark sunglasses was spotted surveying the scene. He was then heard saying “Beautiful!” After taking a second looking at “Trump on the Cross” Trump was optimistic, “he’ll be just fine, better than ever!”