(Raleigh, North Carolina) Piper Industries, an up-and-coming tech firm located in Raleigh, North Carolina, conducted its much-hyped first work-from-home Zoom meeting on the company’s traditional “Bring Your Pet to Work” day. Richard "Big Head" Bighetti, a data entry clerk for Piper, does not own a pet, but found a way to participate in the spirit of the day, and do his part to boost company morale in these uncertain times.
“I lost a lot of sleep the night before the meeting,” said Big Head. “I am new to the company, and needed to make a good impression to be accepted as part of the team.” Big Head continued, “My wife was at first reluctant to participate in what I had in mind, but came around when I promised not only to do the laundry for a day, but also stop masturbating in the shower after stalking her sister on Instagram.”
He continued: “When the Zoom meetings started, I presented her as my ‘pet’, sitting next to me with her collar of shame.” Beaming, he then said, “She was such a hit, and so much more attractive than my coworkers’ selections of mutts and half-breeds. One even had an English Bull Terrier! My god! have you seen those? Ugly as sin!” He added: “I am not sure why they kept asking me to pan the camera down. It was odd because they didn’t ask any of the other pet owners to do that...maybe they wanted to see the bowl I was forcing her to eat out of.”
Big Head added, “I was so excited over the glowing reception I received during this first meeting; I can’t wait for next week!” he exuded. “It’s bring your child to work day, and I no longer have any kids. My plan is to bring an urn with the ashes of my son who died from leukemia three years ago. That should be fun!”
UPDATE: Since first airing this story a week ago, Big Head reports that he is suddenly getting invited to Zoom meetings with companies he has never heard of, and hit up on Instagram from women wearing spiked collars attached to heavy leather leashes.
