Grand Rapids, Michigan. Sources confirmed Wednesday that Nathan Harbor, 57, is having profound difficulty masturbating in his newly-purchased home due to the fact that it's severely haunted.
The CEO of International Wood Products, Inc. stated that his normal routine of 'cranking one off' in the toilet after a long and hard day in the office has been constantly interrupted by cupboard doors opening and closing, pounding noises coming from the basement where numerous murdered bodies from the late 1930s are buried, and various forms of poltergeist activity.
What initially looked like a pleasant and beautiful "dream" house has turned into nothing but a nightmare for the 57-year-old, who already misses the 'less turbulent' days when he could peacefully blow his load into a crumpled-up paper towel, an ultra-soft Kleenex tissue, or old sock without screaming, headless apparitions floating through the walls and creepy, subtle messages (such as GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!) repeatedly appearing in 'fogged up' bathroom mirrors.
Mr. Harbor claimed that he originally had lots of difficulty trying to select a perfect, 3-story, brick mansion (in which he could ferociously masturbate) with so many options being available, and he went on to express his severe disappointment that he can't stimulate himself in the upstairs shower anymore because a 9-foot-tall, dark entity with massive wings keeps glaring at him from the other side of the curtain.
He also complained that looking at pornographic magazines in the attic with his pants off while fantasizing about desperately horny, middle-aged, heavily-tattooed, drug-addicted, alcoholic, bankrupt women who work in bowling alleys was 'out of the question' due to the fact that portals to different realities keep opening up all around him.
The intense and overwhelmingly powerful electricity generated by 'otherworldly spiritual warfare' that keeps going on in his bedroom at night also prevents him from ejaculating to thoughts about naughty, scantily-clad, female Economics professors with partially-exposed, massive cleavage spanking his ass with a hairbrush and beating him severely for turning in late homework while refusing to participate in class discussions.