Orangemen to march on treadmills

Thursday, 25 June 2020

image for Orangemen to march on treadmills
Some Orange marchers in their full regalia

July is marching season in Northern Ireland, when bitter frustrated men dress up gaily in orange sashes and 17th century pomp, and parade through the streets in order to annoy their neighbours.

Nobody remembers how it all started, but, in 2020, it may end. Thanks to coronavirus, for the first time in many years, sectarian bigots will no longer be able to march through the streets of Belfast, Derry and Downpatrick.

"The parade must goi on!" yelled red-faced march leader, Gerry O'Jefferson. "But, because of soicial distancing, we shall march on oir treadmills in oir front rooms. However, I doin't oin a treadmill, soi my wife will pull the carpet continuously while I walk on it."

The Zoom Orange March will be held on the 17th of July. It has been suggested that the date was deliberately chosen to coincide with an Irish Rollerskating Association Zoom meeting, and O'Jefferson does not deny it. "Them skaters are conspirators against oir order," he said. "Noi surrender to the IRA, I say."

It is hoped that by hosting the two meetings so close together, the skaters will have their internet connection disrupted.

"It'll be just like we were marching past their windoi," grinned O'Jefferson. "But this time, they woin't be able to skate away."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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