MANCHESTER, England – (Sports Satire) – London's Tickety Boo News is reporting that Manchester United footballer Jacob Harry Maguire is very upset about the news of him being caught with performance enhancing drugs.
The Red Devils star said that his performance has never needed to be enhanced, and besides, he is allergic to performance enhancing drugs.
Maguire’s better half, Fern, told Tickety Boo reporter Neville Twickenbuck, that Harry is deathly afraid of needles, as well as mosquitoes and porcupines.
Harry told Twickenbuck that the two recent charges against him have caused him to have horrible bouts of quasi-anxiety, as well as a tremendous fear of red cards.
He swears that the alleged counterfeit shillings charge is simply a hoax, and the allegation from the gorgeously sexy harlot in Tottenham, who claimed she was carrying his triplets, is simply fake news.
However, there is some good ‘real’ news for the Red Devils defender.
Manchester police have just received a video provided by the owner of a local crumpet shop, that allegedly shows an unidentified bloke placing a sandwich bag with an unknown substance in good old ‘arry’s back pants pocket (without his knowledge).