Man Says He'll Swing For The Next Person Who Tells Him To Buy A Kindle

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 17 September 2020

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Kindles? For sissies!

A man who is an enthusiastic reader of books, but who struggles with modern-day technological advancements, says he is sick and tired of being told to purchase a Kindle, and will respond to the next person who advises him thus by smashing their teeth in.

Moys Kenwood, 57, is an avid bookworm, who trawls charity shop bookshelves with a keen eye matched only by his eagerness for hanging onto his money. Not able to return to the UK because of Covid-19 restrictions, however, he has told friends he is now unable to buy any new old books.

"They laugh at me," he said. "They call me a dinosaur, and ask me why I insist on having cumbersome, dusty, dirty old books in my house, when I could get all the stuff I ever wanted on a Kindle."

But Kenwood doesn't want a Kindle.

"I am a technophobe, and unable to understand the simplest of advancements. I can open my computer, send emails, and manage to employ a tiny number of the hundreds of facilities available on my telephone, but I wouldn't trust me with anything complicated!"

As well as his techno-ignorance, he says, he likes books.

"I enjoy the search, the smell of the charity shops; the excitement when someone else is looking at the same books as I am, and hoping they don't spot something good before I do; the joy I experience when I find a classic read; and, of course, the fact that I only have to lay out 50p or £1, at most."

Then there's the product itself.

"The object is everything. The cover with its notes, the feel of the paper, -
sometimes old and yellowed - its weight in my hands, and its appearance next to other books on my shelves; you don't get that with a Kindle."

And he issued a warning to his literary friends who keep advising him to switch to a Kindle:

"Shove it where the sun don't shine, or you'll be off to the dentist!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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