Noddy Holder Spelling System Will Help People To Read

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 9 September 2020

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Dunce Hat for you, lad!

There was good news for those who experience difficulty in learning to read this week, when it was announced that an entirely new system of spelling the English language is to be introduced, developed by the ex-Slade frontman, Noddy Holder.

Holder, 74, was the man behind many of the Wolverhampton rock group's hits during the 1970s, and, most famously, for consistently getting the letters 's' and 'z' mixed up.

These hits included:

Tak' Me Bak 'Ome
Coz I Luv You
Look Wot You Dun
Mama Weer All Crazee Now
Gudbuy T'Jane
Skweeze Me, Pleeze Me, and
Cum On Feel The Noize

Many people now experience problems with reading because English spellings are derived from a number of different sources, and not because people are stupid and teachers useless.

It's thought Holder's system - Oldazpell - might help young children to master the stressful task of learning to read, but it's not just for kids.

Derek Bonkers, of the English Literacy Society, said:

"We hope that everyone will be able to benefit from Noddy's system. That's primarily children, but also adults who were too busy texting on their phones, selling drugs outside the school gates, or knocking each other up behind the bike sheds, to bother learning to read properly."

Noddy Holder was unavailable for comment, forchernutly.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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