Police in all Australian states and territories are reporting gangs of kangaroos rampaging through major cities, robbing stores and killing people indiscriminately.
From Sydney, where wild animals of any sort are rarely seen due to the lack of oxygen in this very dense and polluted city, last night, a group of red kangaroos murdered the manager of a 7-Eleven store.
Today, New South Wales Police spokesperson, Raelene Dickless, spoke to the media about the attacks. "Good day, my name is senior sergeant Raelene Dickless. Last night, at approximately nine pm, a gang, later identified as a group of red kangaroos, robbed a 7-Eleven store on the corner of Smith and Weston streets in Western Sydney. In the course of the robbery, the owner, Mr Anu Sharma, sustained fatal injuries and was declared deceased on arrival at Deadwood Hospital."
Asked by reporters to describe the attackers, Dickless advised: "All the suspects wore red-brown fur. The leader of the gang, a male, was believed to be approximately 1.8 metres tall, and made a lot of clicking noises. The rest of the gang, mostly males, plus a female carrying a young Joey in her pouch, were around 1.5 metres tall and walked with a distinct hop in their step. When one of the kangaroos attempted to leave the shop without paying for their goods and couldn't produce cash or a credit card, Mr Sharma threatened to call the police. At this point, the gang attacked him, and he was disemboweled. The gang made off with food items, mainly Tim Tams, Lamingtons and about 40 packets of Twisties."
Dickless finished the press conference by saying: "This gang is dangerous, armed with very sharp claws, and is obviously hungry. This is the result of large-scale habitat depletion for the kangaroos, resulting from last summer's widespread bush fires. Members of the public should avoid approaching the kangaroos to feed or pat them. Our condolences go to Mr Sharma's family and friends. We are continuing our inquires to bring the perpetrators to justice. Thank you."
Reports of similar attacks have flooded in from across Australia over the last forty-eight hours. From Darwin, police spokesman, Bruce Misoginakus, spoke to the Northern Territory press this morning. "G'day. Yous all know me, so no need for intros, boys. Righteo, well last night about 9 pm, just when the Katherine Bottlo was closing, a gang of 'roos, believed to be big grey buggers, ram-raided the shop. They made off with 20 cartons of beer, four cases of bourbon and coke, and well as 200 cartons of ciggies. Luckily, the shop had no wine in stock, 'coz no one in Katherine drinks the shit, so the liquor damage was limited to the beer and bourbon. The shop owner, Darryl Jackars, fought off the 'roos. In fact, he managed to keep one in a choke hold until the local boys in blue arrived 3 hours later. So, not to worry. Me and the boys have organised a few mates to take out their pig-hunting rigs this evening, so, with a bit of luck, we'll have shot the bastards by the morning, and we can return the stolen goods, if there's any left, to the Bottlo. Members of the public should arm themselves and, if approached by any of the gang members, just put a good one between their eyeballs. Thanks yous, have a good day."
The Spoof has approached the Australian Prime Minister, Snott Muttsuck, to ask about a coordinated national plan to deal with the kangaroo gangs, but at time of going to print we have had no reply.