Burglars Suffer Corona Crash

Written by Gerry Hatrick

Thursday, 23 April 2020

image for Burglars Suffer Corona Crash
LEVERAGE: Burglars are asking for funds

AN appeal has been launched to help the forgotten victims of the CV pandemic – burglars.

Since the start of lockdown, the burglar industry has fallen on hard times, with queues of the desperate crooks forming at food banks.

Buster ‘Fingers’ Buggins, Vice-President of the Association of Crooks and Thieves, said: “We’ve never known a time like it. With everyone staying in, it’s impossible for us to go about our business.

“If a householder goes out, there’s always some selfish person who stays behind never thinking about the poor geezer with crowbar and balaclava hiding somewhere in the bushes.

“And then there are all them cancelled ‘olidays. We used to clean the places out and still have time to rustle up a mushroom stroganoff in their kitchens.”

With most burglars being self-employed, they did not qualify for the government’s furlough subsidy scheme, a situation Mr Buggins described as ‘criminal’.

And, in desperation, he claimed some burglars have turned their hands to mugging.

Choking back the tears, he said: “If anything, it’s worse. As soon as you get within two metres, they jump back and you end up….(sniff) …apologising. It’s humiliating.”

Mr Buggins hopes that people will donate generously to ‘Mr. B. ‘F’ Buggins at Lloyds Bank’. Although he didn’t have the registered number for the charity on him, he gave his assurance donations would go ‘to the right place’.

In the meantime, he said he was hoping to retrain as a conman. Under the scheme, trainees act as assistants to experienced conmen.

He said: “I’m used to being my own man, but, for now, I don’t mind playing second fiddle.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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