Written by Samuel Vargo

Monday, 24 July 2017

image for The Reason Snoop Dogg wears Indian headdresses is because he is a closet homosexual
Not satisfied with his role as an aging, effeminate, foul-mouthed rapper, this moron wants to be an Indian chief now.

I joined Snoop Dogg's vast enterouge of drug dealing thugs; whores of all shapes, sizes, races, and peculiarities; along with some actual American Indian chiefs at his powwow in the Bronx Monday afternoon. Snoop Dogg's admission fee for the powwow was five grand and all ceremonies had pricey admission fees, too.

Yes, not being satis-fried with his current role in life, the now middle-aged musician seems to be having a personality crisis and maybe even a mid-life crisis. He has become a self-proclaimed American Indian chief of an imaginary Native American tribe that only he belongs to, the Knock-A-Hoes (oh, the poor Navajos always get sandblasted by these motherucking nutcases, not to leave out women in general. Misogynistic monsters are alive and well in American, Mrs. Robinson, thank you mam.)

One of the most expensive Kulture Vulture venues was the Snoop Doggy Dogg/Chief Knockanew sweat lodge, which had railroad track style burn barrels in the middle of a vast teepee. Water balloons were hung from the top of the teepee and as they became heated, they exploded, creating a sultry mix of fog, rain, sleet, and sulfur-pungent smoke created by the burning coal inside the 100-gallon barrels.

"Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah," we all chanted as the legendary gangsta' rapper did a sundance for us in his gangsta' rapper zoot suit. Snoop Dogg's regalia included orange and white striped leotards, a 1970's-vintage silk shirt that had a purple bald eagle on its front flying around a pink- and lavender polka-dotted grizzly bear; along with florescent green socks that were brighter than the neon signs hanging around all over "The Snoop's" sweat lodge.

One of the signs read: Smoke Crack, it's good for your wealth, while another read: Black is beautiful. But so is pink. Ask Snoop Dogg. He was oblivious to his surroundings as he performed his sundance. Oh, and let's not leave out the bright white and pink NBA-style tennis shoes he was wearing nor the yellow, green, purple, onyx, ochre, orange, white and paisley headdress made of chicken, ostrich, sparrow, and parakeet feathers imported from Bangladesh that was flying around on his head like an angry parrot.

"Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah...," we chanted as the effeminate rapper danced around in the sweat lodge, which we all had to pay some fat thug with an Uzi $355 to attend. The sign on this money-changer's desk read: "This money will all go to Snoop Dogg and Snoop Dogg's starving hoes."

{Writer's note: Now it is politically correct for this fairy-fried prince of degenerate, crime-provoking, talent-less music to wear a ceremonial Native American headdress and claim he's part of a Native American tribe to be the self-proclaimed "Big Chief KnocaNew. From the Knock-a-Hoe tribe," but it's very politically incorrect for some red & white writer who was born and raised in the boondocks of Appalachia to use the chant "Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah...," and so forth. A thousand self-inflicted lashes Big Chief KnocaNew suggested to me during the sundance ceremony. Big Chief KnocaNew licked his lips, had a twinkle in his eyes and a hideous rictus on his lips.

"Whip off that tutu your wearing and get over my knee, big boy," the fairy-fried prince of gangsta' rap ordered. "I'm going to spank your fat ass until it's purple. It's already as red as Mars, but I guess that's your actual skin pigmentation."

"Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah," the crowd inside the sweat lodge chanted as Big Chief knock-A-Knew from the knock-a-Hoe tribe tried to grab me.

"Don't listen to that ridiculous-looking nigger. Just come over here and let me spank you," some Asian dominatrix who really didn't look to be a fit in the sweat lodge said to me. She was brandishing a cane, a paddle, some bailing twine, and a pair of brass knuckles.

"Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah, Fairy Niggah," the crowd chanted. By now, everyone was doing some sort of harebrained gangsta' dance, not a sundance or a rain dance at all, but something that looked like it was designed to have napalm rain down on us all.

An elderly African-American man had a sign in the sweat lodge. He and the sign looked sort of out-of-place. The sign read: "If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. - Malcolm X."

"We are delighted to welcome Snoop Dogg into the Native American community," said ThunderHawk ManyNations, an enrolled member of the Cherokee Nation who took a Greyhound bus from Oklahoma City to attend Snoop Dogg's sweat lodge gala. "Sir, you look more fairy fried and fairy fied in real life than you do on all your gangsta' rap videos. And you look old, too. You'd better quit smoking that crack pipe. Here, try this," he said and whipped out a ceremonial pipe from a bag he was carrying.

"And here, Snoop Dogg, your Bureau of Indian Affairs card. You are now a certified American Indian. And you are a chief of a tribe that only you belong to - at least John Wayne and his cronies left a few of us around to be part of the other American nations, tribes and bands.

Snoop Dogg looked sort of bewildered by it all. "What's with this stuff about 'Fairy Niggah," I ain't no Fairy Niggah," he complained.

"OH YES YOU ARE!!!" a roar inside the sweat lodge screamed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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