New Study Shows Most People Pretty Average

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 26 April 2019

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Former big dreamer Jessie Bailey is one of many Americans relieved to learn that average is the American norm.

A new study published in the Journal of Human Evolution showed that the vast majority of Americans are not exceptional in any significant way and, in fact, are pretty average.

Sociologist Dr. Charles Stanton, who conducted the study, said that he was surprised by the research results. "We expected there to be a lot more above-average people," he said. "But we found that the norm was basically the norm."

Dr. Stanton added that people can safely place a fair amount of confidence in the accuracy of the study results, as he considers himself to be a solidly average research scientist. "Right in the middle of the pack. Where almost everyone is." With a chuckle he added, "I guess that why they call it a pack."

Many Americans, like Jessie Bailey of Los Angeles, have found validation of their own human experience in this groundbreaking study.

"When I was growing up, I told everyone I was going to be a famous singer, a total superstar," said Jessie. "But now, decades later, I'm just a regular person, with a regular, boring job and a regular, boring future ahead of me. I'm not saying it doesn't kind of blow, but it's good to at least know I'm not missing out."

Dr. Stanton emphasized that the study results should not, however, be taken as an indication that people shouldn't set their sights on achieving more.

"The average is to keep trying and not really get anywhere. As they say, the sky's the limit - just not for most people," said Dr. Stanton. "But we encourage Americans to keep at it. You never know!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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