Written by Brett Taylor

Monday, 1 April 2019

image for A Message From Donald Trump
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Now that the Russia hoax has been put to rest, I’d like to talk about important issues.

First off, I’m not overweight. My critics say I’m obese, but I’m not. I’m 250 pounds of presidential dynamite. Presidential dynamite. All the doctors say so. They all say I’m in great shape. I eat ten Big Macs a day. Just like the players in the NFL. Those guys are in great shape. They’re in great shape. And they eat these. I’m eating a burger now.

You know what the Democrats are eating? They’re eating kale or something. Do you know what that is? Nobody knows what it is. Some kind of salad. And they’re all weak too, the Democrats.

You know who’s in bad shape? Elizabeth Warren. She’s scrawny. I would never date a broad like that. Losers would date a broad like that. I call her Pocahontas, and everybody loves it. Because she says, Oh, look at me, I’m Pocahontas. And she’s not. But I call her that. Even the other Indians don’t like her, the real Indians. They like me, and I speak to them. They give me awards and they all love me. Better than her!

I like to make jokes about Indians and also disabled reporters - that’s what makes me the most popular president. Well, Abraham Lincoln was pretty popular, too. But that’s mainly because he freed the slaves. They call that pandering. I could free the slaves, too, if we had any. It’s easy, see. You just say, You’re free to go, people. I freed plenty of people at construction sites. I just said, You’re free to go home, you’re fired. See, it’s the same thing. And I’ve done it plenty.

But today we have rap music. Instead of slaves. That’s what they have. The black people, who love me. Rappers love me, especially Kanye West. He loves me, and people love him. He has a very popular reality show, but I was more popular. I could cut a rap album if I wanted to. Because I understand more about music than anybody. I know a lot about music. Because I’m very smart and when you’re smart you can learn how to play music. Also, I had an uncle who could sing and he played in bars in New Jersey, so I know I can do it. I have the genes.

I’ll tell you who can’t rap, Barack Obama. He’d be terrible at rapping. And he was black, supposedly. He wasn’t born in America, that’s why he can’t rap. You have to be born here. Nobody can rap in Kenya. It would be terrible to live there, we don’t want to live there. We want to live in the United States. Don’t we?

It’s easy to rap. You just say, this for instance: I love Big Macs. And then you have music. Somebody puts music underneath it. They call them DJs, the people that make music. They do country music now. I’ll bet Kim Jong-un can rap, because he’s a very smart man. He’s much smarter than Obama. And he’s funny. You know who’s not funny? Besides Rosie O’Donnell. We don’t like her. Alec Baldwin. He’s not funny, and SNL is very bad. And they get away with it! Because we have something called freedom of speech. But I’m working on that. They shouldn’t get away with it, it’s disgusting that I should go through that. No president should have to go through being made fun of, you have no idea how terrible it is, no idea.

Well, now that the Russia hoax is over, I can get back to doing important things, like getting rid of your health insurance.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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