Hobbies And Second Job May Help Resident Ignore Reality That He Is A Hopeless Sack Of Shit

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 28 March 2019

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Minneapolis, Minnesota. In a rather sad attempt to feel better about his own pathetic existence, local douchebag Scott Bauers, 37, has dedicated himself to the mission of finding a second job and developing a few hobbies.

Desperately trying to take his mind off of the fact that nobody likes him and that he has no purpose on Earth, the unmarried dental office clerk remains determined to look for part-time weekend employment hoping that additional stress and exhaustion will replace the soul-crushing despair and profoundly horrible depression he feels whenever he reflects on his current situation.

"I think that occupying my time with an additional job as a library assistant or even as a cashier at an organic food store will help me feel better about myself as a person," the puke-inducing failure told reporters last Thursday.

"Some hobbies I want to try include playing Stratego online, reading books about spirituality, keeping a diary about my thoughts and feelings, and doing my part to save the environment through volunteer gardening," the fuckface added.

Although student tutoring was considered an option a few weeks ago, the worthless and incompetent scrotum quickly abandoned the idea shortly after realizing that being around anything 'academic' would remind him of the useless days he spent in college sticking his finger up his ass while masturbating all over himself to nighttime informercials for home exercise equipment.

He was also capable of recognizing the fact that he is not intelligent enough to actually be able to assist young people with any of their homework.

And despite his agonizing and wretched loneliness, Scott also gave up on the idea of online dating upon noticing that mass numbers of women and men on both popular and sleazy sites would delete their profiles immediately after he uploaded a photo of himself.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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