Eat This...And Die!

Funny story written by Stefano M. Stefano

Saturday, 23 March 2019

A new food guide for better health has come out recently, replacing the old pyramid-shaped one which suggested X-number of dairy, fruit, vegetables, meat and poultry.

Sensing that the people of planet Earth are getting round and doughy, the new guide is split into a very round and doughy diagram.

What you need to stay far away from is kale, bird seed, Public Enemy Number One -- a.k.a. broccoli, avocados (you know, the stuff that tastes like soap), and legumes. But, since nobody knows what a 'legume' is, you're probably already avoiding it, so forget about that one. Run fast and run hard away from all of these foods if you should find yourself within five feet of any of them!

Here's what's good for you, and what you should be pigging-out on multiple times a day:

Big Mac, McChicken, sausage McMuffin, Quarter-Pounder, the Whopper, the Big King, the entire KFC menu, French fries, greasy fries, curly friends, frozen French fries, Arby's Beef n' Cheddar, pepperoni pizza, barbecue chicken pizza, cheeseburger [pizza, bacon-double-bacon pizza, 3-meat pizza, 4-meat pizza, 5-meat pizza, nothing-but-meat-and-no-damn-vegetable pizza, frozen pizza, licorice, gumballs, jujy fruit, carmels, M&M's, R&R's, Z&Z's, any and all candy (and LOTS of it!), chocolate bars, chocolate milk, chocolate-covered pretzels, chocolate bon-bons, more chocolate milk, chocolate milk shakes (double whip cream on top), chocolate-covered chocolate, chocolate chip cookies, butter cookies, sugar cookies, sugar-pie honey bun cookies,zombie cookies, and every kind of Gummi Bear.

Also suggested as part of healthy living is that you should eat a lot of margarine, raw cookie dough, Captain Crunch cereal, Honey O's, Honey B's, Honey M's, Frosted Flakes, Frosted Rice, Frosted frosting, hot dogs, cold dogs, chili dogs, baseball stadium hotdogs, hotdogs that move by themselves,carbonated drinks like Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Not-Quite-Coke-But Close Enough, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi-We'll-Always-Be-Number-2, root beer, grape soda, orange soda, cream soda, scotch and soda, grape and orange and cream, and scotch soda, and 7-Up.

Oh, wait a minute. My notes were upside down. All of those things in the big lists will kill you quickly in about 40 years, so avoid them and be unhappy.

But, you can go crazy on the kale, at least.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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