Written by joseph k winter

Friday, 15 February 2019

image for Cell phone found in puddle shows Guaido confused but ready for more input from US
US State Department analysts currently studying why the delay

Mr. Guaido’s cell phone and its lengthy texting found in a rain swamp yesterday has been confirmed as deriving from the self-proclaimed leader of Venezuela.

The phone might have been flung into the puddle during a tempestuous moment in relations with Mr. Guaido’s American advisors.

Background analysis indicates the US arranged coup is not going well, as it is now several weeks since onset.

The Trump administration apparently expected immediate results, with Maduro stepping down and whisked to Guantanamo a day or so after Guaido’s claim to the leadership.

However, military have not deserted in the expected droves, but merely in a trickle of inconsequential figures with little power.

Twenty million’s worth of aid offered from the Columbia border has been relegated as “paltry” and “a device,” versus billions of Venezuela’s own money sequestered (stolen) in US-allied banks.

The recipient of Mr. Guaido’s commentary is not yet clear.

Full text of the message:

Look, it’s not my fault things aren’t working out! I did my part of the deal! You wanted a nobody such as myself who didn’t run for election against Maduro! Well, you got me! Now, you’re complaining? It’s not my fault those fake photos of massive protests from 2016 have been discovered! Or that when I said I might have to authorize your armed intervention it backfired on me and made me look stupid! Nor that 50 countries now claim the US is violating key principles of the UN charter! Not my fault! Are you guys orchestrating or what??? I’m here ready to do what you want! And my wife, damn it, she’s getting impatient! Look, go ahead take the oil, the bauxite, the gold, and the rest of it! You hear??? I’m sorry it’s not as smooth now as it was for you in Iraq in 2003! But you are supposed to know what you’re doing! This Abrams dude was messing around in the Iran-Contra thing when I was a toddler! Well, damn it . . .

Analysis indicates at this point the phone was pitched into the rain swamp.

Mr. Pompeo has responded:

“Look, the US is the indispensable force for good on this planet if not the cosmos generally! We promote and ally with democracy, not dictators! As with Israel and Saudi Arabia!”

“Do not put it past our opposition to arrange fake news such as this, trying to discredit our noble efforts.”

“Mr. Guaido may have to be replaced . . . "

"No, no, wait! I was thinking out loud! That was off mike!”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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