It's Christmas Crackers, Your Taste Buds Under Attack

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 13 December 2018

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NOOO! Not marmite sprouts again

What is it with retailers? They seem to think that the mid-winter celebration of the birth of some bloke in Palestine gives them carte blanche to assault our taste buds with all sorts of concoctions we wouldn't think of touching at any other time of the year. You know what I mean: sherry, Bailey's Irish Cream, crème de menthe and snowballs for god's sake.

Our award-winning French Food & Drink correspondent, Mme Plagny Toxique, has been out and about in the London Borough of Balham, the foodies' paradise of south London, where she has sampled the best of the various seasonal offerings available in order to spare you the pain.

Brussels sprouts tea by Sainsbury's. Sacre bleu. Je me souviens when General de Gaulle said if he were to be deposed as president of La Belle France that it would be "une chie en lit". This is worse than his shit in the bed. To think that the English are supposed to be devoted to tea!

Winter berries and Prosecco crisps (M&S). Prosecco? Je préfère Champagne, pas cette pisse italienne. I can just about stomach this strange mixture of flavours and textures, with a glass of Champagne, naturellement.

Turkey breast-infused gin from Portobello Road Gin. Explique-moi, s'il vous plait. Pourquoi? I know you rosbifs stole the recipe for gin from the Dutch while fighting alongside them against the Spanish, but why ruin it in this way? You are all mad.

Marmite sprouts from Iceland. Do Brussels sprouts even grow in Iceland? N'est-ce pas une terre de permafrost and cod? This is the worst combination of two things adored by les anglais. Une abomination.

Christmas pudding gammon (Aldi). Je ne comprend pas "Christmas pudding". Qu'est-ce c'est? Dried fruit soaked in French brandy, such a waste of good Cognac, stout, cinnamon, nuts and suet. Suet? Merde! Avec cet jambon il est dégoûtant.

Battered Brussels sprouts from Poppie's in Soho. Why are les anglais so obsessed with sprouts? As they say "you can put lipstick on a cochon, but it's still a cochon". Likewise with batter and a sprout. Zut alors!

Pizza complete with turkey, festive stuffing, pine kernels and rosemary from Pizza Express. I refer encore une fois to General de Gaulle who said "Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French". This is a pizza invented by the British to annoy the Italians....and French gourmets.

Roast yak with chestnut and saffron stuffing, sweet potato and mulled wine jus (Katmandu takeaway, Balham High Road). Vous plaisantez? Je m'en fous. You must be joking avec moi. Sérieusement? Never again.
(Yes, we are joking with you, Madame. Nothing like pissing off the French. Ed.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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