AUSTIN, TX – After playing one game of “Pac-Man,” 9-year-old boy Malcolm Rurn flew into an uncontrollable frenzy, eating every period on the internet
“I have Pac-Man fever!” Rurn shouted “I need to eat those dots before those ghost bastards get here!”
Rurn then grabbed a hardcover copy of Charles Dickens's “A Christmas Carol” and hungrily gnawed on it When he stopped, reporters were shocked to find that there was not a single period in the book
Reactions to this development have been mixed Some sites, like Breitbartcom and AnnCoultercom, were completely unaffected However, many sites, such as BBCcom and wwwthespoofcom were rendered completely illegible In addition, virtually every piece of ANSI art on the internet was reduced to random, senseless punctuation
World leaders were quick to respond President Donald Trump tweeted, “I don't see what the big deal is I never liked those periods anyway I bet they were part of a Democrat plot Sad!” Kim Jong Un shouted in a press conference, and blamed South Korea for the missing periods Jens Stoltenberg formally announced, “We will get to the bottom of this There is no need to panic” And Vladmir Putin yelled, “Everybody panic!”
Wayne LaPierre, president of the NRA, also weighed in on the crisis “See? See? We've been trying to tell you dumb bastards for years that video games led to mass shootings But did you ever listen? Hell, no! The only way to solve this problem is to buy as many guns as possible and shoot at the end of every sentence on the internet And we should probably shoot a few Democratic politicians, just to be on the safe side”
Toru Iwatani, the creator of “Pac-Man” and “Pole Position,” expressed great sorrow over what happened “I will do whatever it takes to make amends for my part in this madness” Iwatani somberly said
Tim Berners-Lee, the creator of the World Wide Web, urged world leaders to act quickly “We need to act quickly before he starts to eat other types of punctuation like the comma the question mark and the exclamation point Heaven help us all if he begins to eat lett
