Written by Wesley Janson

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

When asked about his political and social views, Roger Stanley, 40, responded by saying, "For the past 20 years, I've never really paid much attention to politics or even major social issues such as gun control, abortion, gay rights, immigration, drug use, racial and ethnic tensions, or socioeconomic disadvantage."

When further asked if he actually had an opinion about anything, he stated that he thinks people are generally selfish and egotistical regardless of their political beliefs or which side of a social issue they happen to be on.

"None of these things really affect me personally, so I just go about my daily routine of working, paying bills, and trying to enjoy life whenever I can," he told our news staff. "Whenever I get free time, I also like to drink beer and listen to sappy 80s love music on YouTube while touching myself," he added.

He concluded the interview by saying, "I think people should stay away from arguing about major social issues. It never gets anywhere. Besides, I'm not even completely sure if these are actually current social issues anymore because I never watch TV, listen to the radio, or read the news. These were major issues when I was younger, and I didn't care about them back then, either. I mean, seriously! These things don't affect me, so why should I give a Shit?"

Immediately after making these statements, a group of angry conservatives and liberals marched down the street, pulled him out of his house, and then started beating him senseless.

"I have the right to own a gun, and you better not forget that!" one man said before grabbing both of Roger's shoulders and bringing a knee into his stomach so hard that he pooped in his pants.

"Pro Choice is the only way! A woman has a right to her own body, and if I want to get rid of a child after having wild and passionate sex with some guy I don't care about, then that's MY CHOICE!!!" an angry female said to him right before she clawed half of his face off with her fingernails.

"You should also know that if I decide to keep the child, and I catch someone like you smoking next to me in a bar when I'm 7 months pregnant, I'll kick your ass for violating the safety needs of my unborn baby," she added before clawing off the second half of his face.

"You're probably one of those douche bags who doesn't support the 'Right to Life,'" a reverend screamed at him as he plowed his fist into Roger's stomach, which caused him to double over in severe pain.

"People like you need to know that I have a right to marry the man of my dreams," Roger's neighbor, Bill, shouted before kicking him in the back of the head.

A Canadian man then walked by, spit on him, and cursed him for having unfair social and economic advantages as a white male in a 'Eurocentric' society.

Bruised, bleeding, twitching, and gurgling, Roger tried to crawl away from the severe beatings. When he was a little ways down the street, a group of politically moderate individuals caught up to him and continued to kick the shit out of him.

"It's OK to remain moderate on social issues and to avoid taking any particular view as being 100% correct, but there is no excuse for the horrible ignorance you display by completely ignoring the society in which you live," one of them said as the other individuals in the group turned him over, made fun of his haircut, and then proceeded to take turns farting on his face. Before walking away, they also jammed a freshly-sharpened No. 2 pencil into his penis hole.

A few moments later, members of the city council drove up, threw Roger into the back of their truck, and then drove to a nearby park where they crucified him on a rather large tree.

"We don't need ignorant people like this in our community," one of them told our news staff.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Politics, Violence




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
50 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more