Ben Stoker Cricket Attack In Detail

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 7 August 2018


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A man giving another man 'what for'

In a case that has proved both 'horrifying' and 'hilarious', fictional England cricketer Ben Stoker has appeared in court charged with 'a fray' after he was involved in an altercation outside a gay club in Bristol.

Mr Stoker is alleged to have 'lost control' after getting into a dispute with two gay men, Bryan Ali and Bryan Hale in the early hours of 31 September 2018. The two Bryans are practising homosexuals.

Stoker and his fictional England teammate, Axel Hales, had tried to get into the Mbittered nightclub at 02:10 hours on the date described above, but were refused admission by the doorman

"Hop it!" they were told. "It's way past your bedtime! I mean, 'stumps'!"

Messrs Stoker and Hales were clearly upset, but decided to vent their anger on two more openly-gay men, Kai Bryan and William O'Brien, who were standing nearby, speaking camply. Stoker mimicked their voices and mannerisms in a derogatory way. You can just see it now!

Next, Mr Ali turned up with Mr Hale, and, for reasons now lost to history, hit Mr Bryan on the shoulder with a bottle. Mr Bryan screamed out: "Aayaagh!". Mr Stoker threw at punch at Mr Ali, and the pair fell to the ground. Mr Hale (not Mr Hales) tried to separate the two, but they were stuck. He went and fetched something to prise them apart. When he returned, he struck Stoker strongly with a pencil. Stoker rose and 'smashed' Hale's face in. In video footage, Mr Hales could be heard saying: "Stoker, Stoker, that's enough." Mr Hale then tried to drag Mr Stoker off Mr Ali, the court heard.

At this point, Mr Stoker shouts out: "Get off me, Axel!", but here he had made a crucial error, because it wasn't his friend, Mr Hales, that was doing the 'dragging', but Mr Hale, the gay man who was the friend of Mr Ali.

It may have been that the two have such similar names, that caused this error.

Mr Hales rasped: "It's not me doing the dragging. It's that gay bloke!"

Mr Hale, clearly annoyed, said: "Who you calling 'gay', you cricket bastard?"

When Stoker heard this, he lost control. He lashed out at Mr Ali and at Mr Hale, and Mr Hales also caught one in the chops. Mr Ali said: "Ugh!", Mr Hale said: "Ahhhh!", and Mr Hales shouted: "Howwizzzaaaaat?"

Mr Ali then said "move away, move away", and Mr Hale said "stop, stop", but it was chaos," said eyewitness, Laura Bryant, who has a name similar to the two gay Bryans.

Mr Hale was bleeding. He said: "Mummy!"

Mr Ali, still receiving a pummelling from Stoker, declared: "Urgh!"

Mr Stoker, apoplectic, shouted: "Turn us away from a nightclub, wouldya?"

Mr Hales repeated, not so confidently, this time: "Howzat?"

Mr Bryan and Mr O'Brien could be seen carousing up against a wall.

At this point, the video footage becomes 'grainy', which is just as well, because shirts were getting ripped, and hair pulled, and it was a fair old fracas by now! The language was terrible. Everything was total confusion. Mr Hale was crying; Mr Hales was sighing; Mr Ali was dying; the only person not suffering from confusion was Mr Stoker, who was trying, trying to kill Mr Ali, in self defence, of course.

Sirens could be heard, and Mr Hale said: "The filth! Thank God!"

Mr Ali said: "Aaaaaargh!" as he received yet another punch in the midriff from Mr Stoker, who then turned and struck Mr Hale with a bouncer. The latter, surprised, said: "Oof, y'cunt!" Just then, a policeman grabbed Mr Stoker, and the latter said: "Geroff!", whilst the former uttered those familiar words spoken long ago by Jack Warner:

"Evening, all."

The case continues.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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