Princeton, NJ - Princeton College's faculty voted yesterday to implement a five year plan to make Princeton's classrooms places "free of all gender bias" by eliminating vocabulary from classroom instruction that "evokes male hegemony." The faculty approved a long list of words that it deemed "clearly patriarchal", whose elimination faculty insisted would "have little impact on the quality of instruction."
The first word on the list is "cock."
"We are talking male organ here," said Demographics Emeritus Jonathan Goldstein. "Not chickens."
Goldstein went on to proclaim that the word "cock" when used to refer to chickens is usually done so with "clear intent of evoking in the mind of the listener a huge, throbbing, male organ, usually human and most definitely taut and fully erect."
The faculty agreed also to no longer use the word "spooge."
"Though a neologism, and not technically a word in most dictionaries, it is nonetheless generally known to refer to a male, usually human, ejaculate," Goldstein explained. "I use it to refer to the first blast of love snot from the tip of my love cannon; others use it to refer to the accumulated pumps of the entire ejaculate."
"But no matter what," Goldstein said, "women who hear the word bandied about in Poetry seminars are not going to learn as much as their male counterparts."
Though the bans on cock and spooge were approved quickly, not all words were so easily stricken from the curriculum. For example, many staff members objected to banning the word "hairy." Lesbians insisted the word "hairy" evoked male "balls" (due to be stricken the fall of 2018), but several men on staff insisted that their strongest association with the word was "bush." Members of the psychology department insisted that they needed to use the phrase "hairy dick" to illustrate an important phase of childhood cognitive development among young boys.
"They seem to think adult dicks are actually hairy," said Jon Goldstein. "It's a lot like thinking a tall thin glass has less milk than a short fat one - and no, I'm not getting around any bans on comparing my dick to the vice-provost's."
Still others on staff thought the whole thing futile.
"Professors will just invent their own words for cocks and spooge and hairy dicks and balls," said Black Studies Emeritus, Cornel West. "Or they'll do what I've been doing for decades and simply think 'cock' or 'balls' in their mind as they're saying seemingly innocuous, academic words, like 'society' or 'political-economy."