Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 14 September 2018

image for Russian Novichok Suspects Pencil-in Hull Visit
Haddichok, chips and peas

The two Russian men suspected of administering Novichok to Sergei Skripal and his daughter in Salisbury earlier this year, have said they were visiting the town merely as tourists, and have indicated that they may decide to travel to other places of historical interest in the UK.

Ruslan Boshirov and Alexander Petrov said in an interview with Russian news outlet RT, that they chose to visit Salisbury because of friends' recommendations that they visit the "wonderful town" with its world-renowned cathedral, and its 123-meter spire, and not to kill former KGB agent Skripal and his daughter, Yulia.

"Nothing could have been further from our minds," they lied.

"Salisbury is a well-known tourist magnet, and famous for its clock, which is one of the first ever created in the world, that's still working," they said, stifling laughter.

Mr Skripal and Yulia, were the victims of an attack which was carried out using the military nerve agent Novichok in March, and spent months in hospital before both recovered. Another woman, Dawn Sturgess, was unwittingly killed by the same nerve agent when she was given it by her cheapskate boyfriend Charlie Rowley, after he had found, and given Sturgess as a 'present', what he somehow imagined was 'perfume'.

Mr Boshirov said that he and Mr Petrov were historical site enthusiasts, and were looking at touring the north of England, and paying a visit to Hull, the 2017 UK City of Culture. Said Mr Petrov:

"We really want to see the fascinating Museum Quarter, including the Maritime Museum. Also, we'd especially like to go to the popular Wilberforce House at no. 25, High Street, the birthplace of the leader of the British anti-slavery campaign, William Wilberforce (1759-1833). We've also heard good things about the fish and chips available there, and about the cream telephone boxes, which sound delightful, comrade."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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