The two men accused by Britain of carrying out the nerve agent attack in Salisbury have given a searingly honest interview which completely admonishes them from all blame entirely.
Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov denied they were State Agents of the former KGB who could destroy you using only their pinky fingers, and revealed their passion for visiting quaint, little-known English towns with absolutely fuck all to do. "Yes, we are all over these places like a stink on shit. We love their obscurity and nondescript nature. The hotels....roads...and uh, Church, yes, the Church."
Appearing to prepare himself as he cleared his throat, he began "did you know that it is famous for its one-hundred-and-twenty-three-metre spire, and its clock, which is among the oldest working clocks in the world?"
Russian analyst Ruby Roublestick studied the interview and commented "the fact that he says the exact same, word for word, verbatim description of the Church in Salisbury as Wikipedia only proves how correct they are, and by no means suggests they've memorised it to repeat to the gullible masses. They're just two regular Russian guys built like brick shithouses who happen to be interested in visiting a sleepy town to look at the spike that comes out the top of a church. What's more average Russian than that?"
"And Boshirov swinging back and forth as you do in one of those wheeled chairs while Petrov spoke was not at all a basic body language signal of unease or anxiety. He was playful and happy remembering his epic holiday!"
When Petrov was quizzed as to why they were seen on CCTV heading away from the "tourist attractions" and towards Sergei Skripal's house, he said "Ah yes, the roads and those pavements you Brits have in the middle of your roads fascinate us almost as much as the roads, as if you're on an island in the ocean, but it's roads. Yes, if you look closely, you see we have our heads looking downward admiring this concrete beauty. Exquisite!"
Incredibly, we reached Vladimir Putin for comment by telephone, but only heard wails of laughter down the line.