Russia Identifies Novichok Suspects as "Gay Fanboys"

Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 7 September 2018

image for Russia Identifies Novichok Suspects as "Gay Fanboys"
Petrov and Boshirov: "Putin Fanboys"

In the face of international condemnation, despite the opposition of useful idiot US President Donald Trump, the Russian government made a surprise admission today when it identified the two suspects in the Salisbury Novichok attack.

The UK had named two men, Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov, believed to be from Russia's military intelligence service, the GRU, as the main suspects. The Kremlin called the accusations "unacceptable".

The Kremlin has since changed its story and the two men have subsequently been identified as members of the infamous "Putin Fanboys" gang, a freelance organisation devoted to Russian President Vladimir Putin. They adore his bare chested outdoor pursuits, his manly physique and exploits and have sworn to hunt down his enemies wherever they are.

Russia's ambassador to the UN, ex-KGB assassin turned diplomat, Vasily Nebenzya, told the UN security council that the Russian government had been mistaken in its earlier disclaimers.

"These notorious homosexuals had visited London for a dirty weekend of buggery, debauchery and perversion where this kind of filth is legal. While they were there they took it upon themselves to use some Novichok which they had somehow got hold of and decided to use it to kill that nice Mr. Skripal who is an old chum of President Putin.

"They have been arrested and we would like to interrogate them but somehow they have managed to shoot themselves while in police custody for which I apologise profusely."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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