Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 24 June 2018

image for Lucky England Through To Last 16
England scraped through

England progressed to the last 16 of the World Cup last night after they defeated a plucky Panama side 6-1, but it might have been all so different.

Harry Kane, England's captain, scored a hat-trick, but it was was probably the most fortunate in history, with two penalties and a flukey deflection, before he was substituted for his lack of effort.

Panama then scored the best goal of the game to complete the scoring, and, from then on, England hung on to claim the win that sends them through to the next round. They will have to step up a level, however, if they are to beat better opposition than the Panamaniacs.

Indeed, England will be counting their lucky stars after they were fortunate enough to have raced into a 5-0 halftime lead, as their second-half performance was diabolical. Pedestrian at best, the team looked uninterested, and supporters who wanted them to go for double figures became restless, and left early.

Coach Gareth Southgate admitted:

"I don't think we played particularly well. I didn't enjoy the beginning, and the part where we conceded was a bit ropey. The national anthems were terrible. We weren't very good after the break, but we were 5-0 up, and I didn't want any injuries. That's why it resembled some blokes on a pub car park on a Sunday morning begrudgingly rolling a ball about to keep themselves from freezing to death."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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