Trump Claims He Isn't "un-proud" of Locker Room Talk

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Thursday, 20 October 2016

image for Trump Claims He Isn't "un-proud" of Locker Room Talk
"I'm not un-proud of it."

As this topsy-turvy 2016 political season wraps up, the presidential debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have intensified to the point near-implosion with each candidate exchanging pointed barbs at each other for all of America to see. While Clinton claims that we as a country will be stronger together and Trump claims he will make our country great again, it seems as though they are more interested in each others' personal affairs.

Trump assured his rival, and the country at large, that he would appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Clinton were he somehow to become president, ensuring her arrest and conviction for her e-mail scandal.

Clinton countered with the fact that she was a career "public servant" and that Trump was not fit to be president because of his lack of political experience. She then questioned his character by bringing up his "locker-room" talk concerning his coarse treatment of women and allegations of sexual assault.

When asked, Trump dismissed the discussion as just that, something that one might hear while showering with other men or taking a steam together in the cozy confines of a sauna in some men's only country club. Coining a new phrase of Newspeak, Trump stated that he was not "un-proud" of what he said and possibly did.

One reporter later demanded clarification of what the candidate meant by "un-proud." The scowling Trump explained that "it wasn't that he was proud" of what he said or done. The reporter then pressed him: "So you're proud of what you said? You stand by it?" Trump claimed that he always told the truth, bluntly and to the point, unlike his opponent, but clarified that he wasn't proud of it at all. Finally the reporter had to ask exactly what "un-proud" meant. "Well, I mean, like hey, being un-proud is like being 'un' anything else, you know? It's like if you're un-hungry, right? I mean, if you're un-hungry, you're not hungry but you could also be hungry - un-hungry! Or if you're un-funny nobody is gonna laugh at you, or they might."

Another reporter said that his statement made no sense: "Hold on. Wait. If you aren't un-proud, then you are proud. That's a double negative, right?"

Trump roared back: "Double negative? I wouldn't even be single negative. Being negative is not positive, and I am positive about what I just said, double-plus positive in fact. I mean, that's what I'm talking about here. There's so much deception from my opponent that no one can see the difference between the truth like I tell it and all of her un-truth." With that the candidate removed his baseball cap and yelled his trigger phrases, "Make America great again! Let's build a wall!" He then announced he was late for a tee time and had to run and that he didn't want to be, to quote, "un-punctual."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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