Vatican City, Italy - God has given word to Pope Francis that he wants the pontiff to file a lawsuit in New Jersey's 2nd appellate court, claiming that Angel Soft toilet paper is guilty of defamation of character against his beloved angels.
"God wants me to find the best lawyer possible and sue Angel Soft's pants off," told a forlorn Pope to the New York Post. "Our Lord and Savior claims that he has tried the alleged 'Angel Soft' toilet paper and that the product is nowhere near as soft as wiping your ass with a real angel--something he claims to do almost every morning after his daily coffee and bran muffin ritual."
The Head of The Catholic Church did not seem particularly excited about bringing this case to court, but did not protest his opposition to the boss upstairs. "Who am I to argue with God's will?" surmised the Pope, "but personally, I wish he would drop this lawsuit and go with a much simpler copyright infringement case, which is going to be way easier to prove in court. I just don't think that many Catholics want to see God wipe his ass with a real angel on the stand. It will be very disturbing, and possibly damaging, to the younger children following the case on television."