Brown Mass at Saints of Grace Lutheran Church

Funny story written by Harry Klondike

Sunday, 5 June 2016


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Greenwich CT: "Never before has there been such a horror!" said Rev. Paul Martin. He, along with 138 congregants looked somewhat dazed and had a vacant thousand yard stare in their eyes. The front lawn of Saints of Grace Lutheran Church looked like a crime scene full of the walking wounded- and by day's end there were indeed criminal charges filed.

At 11:14am a group of 13 garishly dressed "women" kicked open the church doors at the back of the main sanctuary and marched up the center aisle. With military precision they halted each turned shoulder to shoulder with ever other one about face to the person on either side. In unison they shouted "we won't rest till we have restrooms that's our trans demands!" Then, they each hiked up their dresses and defecated on the floor. Transgender activist Barbara Windstorm called it our "shit in".

Bethany Deutsche, organizer of the event said of it's importance, "They don't want us using the public facilities- by they, I mean not just people at this church and not Lutherans per-se but religious nuts. We wanted to go straight to the belly of the beast and target a Baptist church but figured we'd get shot by the deacons. Then we considered the Catholics but figured they wouldn't really care that much, so we settled on the Lutherans."

One very classy lady appearing in her 60's was crouched and trembling next to her Maserati, appearing very traumatized. She gained her composure enough to grant a brief statement. "My name is Savanna King. Connecticut is my home. I'm not that religious but was running low on Xanax and thought a Sunday service might calm me down till I could phone my doctor tomorrow. What I witnessed was... I just can't describe. At first the noise startled me when they kicked the door open. Then those horrible outfits! Stuff like what I gave to Good Will in the early '90's. Sequins, shoulder pads, wide belts, big flamboyant hair. The perfume!!! Christ almighty it was like some one had a shootout in the cosmetic section at Macy's! Then when I didn't think it could get any worse they all shit in the fucking floor!!! THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME!!! Several months ago I was at a banquet in Los Angeles when a filthy Guatemalan gave birth and crapped in the floor right in the middle of dinner!!!" The paramedics reached Ms. King and took her away in an ambulance at that point.

Reporter's Note;

I did reach out to both the Southern and National Baptist Convention with regards of using lethal force under a circumstance such as this. They all vehemently denied any endorsement of violence but were strong supporters of the 2nd amendment. I then called 37 different Baptist churches at random, all but four confirmed that their deacons and most congregants are armed and 16 of the churches admitted to a "shoot on site policy" regarding anyone who interferes with the Lord's message getting to their God fearing congregants.

As for Savanna King, I thought she looked familiar; and sure enough not only did her story check out; I was in Los Angeles and interviewed her at that event. I wish Ms. King a speedy recovery.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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