International Waters, The Lizard - A rogue submatine thought to be under the command of Captain Marko Ramius has been sighted off Camilla's private quarters a royal protection racket source said today.
The Red Oktober, a Yeltsin-class submersible powered by potato vodka and two cocaine hydrochloride batteries, was launched by daft cow Camilla Fucker-Proles as a favor to Vladimir Putin, her common flaw husband.
This morning Royal Navy frigates escorted the ageing rustbucket and her mobster husband Prince Charles to a nearby dry dock for an immediate refit of their GPS ankle bracelets.
The precautions come as UK security service officials play down the significance of Russian submarine tresspass into British territorial waters in the tricky run-up to this year's Oscars.
"The last thing anybody wants is for this hideous cold war pair to suddenly pop up at Sunday's Academy Awards," a Royal Navy diver commented.
Prince Philip's goitre remains full of pus.