Washington - The mediocre GOP whinger has been relieved of duties for a series of blunders about a Middle Eastern decapitation cult.
Chuck 'Hey Girl, Don't Bother Me' Hagel is stepping down as Defense Secretary for not nuking the shit out of Islamic State renegades who have robbed post-War Iraqis of billions of dollars.
And diverted crucial oil pipelines straight to The Enema, a Syrian back-door organization peddling all kindsa shit.
Announcing Hagel's sudden 'surprise' resignation President Obummer hinted broadly his successor is likely to be some good looking, ballsy much younger honcho - think Valerie Jarret minus that mustache.
Hagel meanwhile has been booted back home to Alabama to start penning his memoirs about years in the Job.
Expect the atmosphere to be a little frosty at the Thanksgiving dinner table Chez Hagel on Thursday as Mrs Hagel reminds her husband of past glories.
Michelle Obama's bed sores are begining to ooze.